My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!

My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!
Ab's and I

Thursday, July 5, 2012

July 4th, so I made it through, another year without you.  Every July I dip into a deep depression since you had passed away and I really fought with all my might not to this year and in some ways I did.  I wasn't as sad as I usually get, I was able to get out of bed and function and kept myself pretty busy which helped tremendously, but there are those moments that still bring you to your knees, that you are gone and no matter how much crying I do, you are never coming back.  I miss making a tye dye shirt with you, your sister has such joy in that every year and there are moments that she asks Mommy, why and that just breaks my heart in two.  I can handle my grief I know what to do, but to watch Abby cry out for you or see her in pain is so difficult, because I know there is nothing I can do to fix this and that makes me sad for my Mom, knowing that in her heart to see me in pain.  I invited friends this year for tye dye day, something I haven't done for the last 2 years and that felt good and I hope to continue year after year as I so have traditionally done.  I went to my friend Darlene's house as I have done since you passed but have never made it through to the fireworks, the thought of you in my arms holding your little ears from the loud noises and seeing your little eyes in delight was just too painful, but this year was different.  I had to be strong for Ab's and it wasn't as difficult as I thought.  For years I have shed myself from certain pains and I truly believe, protect your heart when you can, but this year, I knew I was stronger and I had Ab's in my lap and watching her delight was amazing and just before fireworks were to start, there out of the blue there was a sky lantern in the sky and of course it made me think of you, but not with sadness but fondness because I know that was you, saying, "Mom, I am alright!"  Grief is a funny thing, it comes in waves and some days stronger than others and some days the water is calm, this doesn't mean I don't miss you any less...There is not a day that goes by that your not thought of, loved, wanted and missed.  So I am giving myself a pat on the back, yes this year I did it, and some may think really, July 4th, fireworks, what's the big deal, but to a grieving mother it is a big deal.  Every moment, celebration, birthday, anniversary is another moment without you and oh I wish I could mend this broken heart....part of it will be broken forever.  I love you so much, so I hope you are proud of me, your father and your sister for getting through another holiday without you and yes even if it was "just" the 4th of July.

Love, Mommy

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Thoughts about Easter....

I have gotten asked alot lately, does it get easier?  I have several thoughts about that and my answer is no, it get's different, but not easier, because when it comes right down to it, if I sit and really, really, focus on you in my arms the pain literally brings me right down to my knees.  However, I try my best to enjoy the life I have here, because I know you are in a wonderful place and where there is nothing but joy, happiness and all the Easter eggs you want, but that's just it....tonight sitting dying Easter eggs with Abby there are moments of extreme joy and moments of sadness. 

I should be watching you and Abby sitting side by side dying Easter eggs together, not dying an egg In Memory of You....
I should be setting up your Easter basket tonight with blue Easter grass not setting out a bowl that I made for you, In Memory of....

I should be lying your Easter clothes out next to Ab's for tomorrows festivities....not looking at your picture and wishing you a Happy Easter....

I should be watching you and Ab's coming out from your bedroom doors hand in hand running to the kitchen excited to see what the Easter Bunny has brought you both....

I should be sitting in church with the both of you with each of you by your daddy's and my side, instead of seeing a 2 year old boy right in front of me saying hi, all the while holding back the tears in my eyes...

I should be helping you with the Easter egg hunt at my Aunts and your sister I know would be helping you too....instead I wonder if anyone will mention you tomorrow?....

We should all be snuggling on the sofa tomorrow night ending the day with an Easter movie, instead of letting a Sky Lantern go In Memory of You.....

So to answer all of you who ask, does it get easier? No, does it get different yes....Would I change anything, yes for you to be here with us...but I would never change not having you in my life no matter how short the time, because you have taught me so much....

I feel I am a better wife, mother, friend, writer, and advocate and for that Avery I thank you.
I miss you...
I love you...
Happy Easter Little Man, Happy Easter!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


There are moments I feel so much happiness in my heart, finding myself truly smiling again and enjoying the simple joys in life, my daughter, my husband, spending time with my mom, my dad, my brother and the special friends in my life.  These are extremely happy moments, but part of me still constantly aches for you.  There are days I feel so strong and then someone asks me a question or I have to fill out a form at a doctors office, how many live pregnancies have you had, that I just want to crawl in a hole and cry.  I still think about you everyday and wonder how talkative you would be, how fast you would be running, what you and your sister would be doing?  My dad being in the hospital made everything resurface again, how precious life is, how in a matter of seconds life changes.  We are blessed he is ok, but it did shake me up quite a bit.  It brought me to wonder about my own mortality and this blood clotting disorder I have, I want to live a long, long life.  I want to see and experience everyday of Abby's life because I know where you are, you are taken care of and happy.  Abby I feel this need to protect her everyway that I can, and I know there are moments I won't be able to. I can still remember holding you in my arms, your toes, your hands, your nose, your lip that curled just like Abby's, the thought that my body didn't protect you, the very cord that brought you life, ended your physical life, the thought brings me to my knees, literally. I want to be celebrating St. Patty's Day with you, I want to be a mom juggling 2 living kids, but now I am a mom juggling being the best mom I can be to Abby and juggling being the best mom to you.  Many I am sure wonder why would you think that, he's gone?  Because, he is my son and I want nothing more than for him to be proud of me, for when it's time for me to embrace him again, I want to hear his sweet little voice say, Mommy I am proud of you.

I love you Abby, I love you Faith (and I am trying Faith to start to talk about you) and I love you Avery and miss you so very much.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Husband's grief....

Dear Jimmy,

Today I am reflecting upon your grief and it pains, me.  I have friends I talk to and I still feel so lonely at times. I can't imagine the pain you carry within.  You were right by my side for every appointment, gave me my shots everyday and watched Avery being born, I told you not to look  until they unwrapped the cord, but you insisted and I know you still continuously have nightmares about that.  I can still remember when people would call the house or stop by asking you how was I? Only a very few asked how you were, and I still remember you asking, "Jen, don't they realize I lost him too?"  Why are men expected to be strong, what does strong exactly mean?  Does that mean men aren't suppose to cry or grieve, why are women given permission?  I don't understand it and never will.  Does being strong mean holding your grief in?  We need to change how other's view the grief of a man and that is a venture I hope and pray you will find in your heart to do?  That you will have the strength one day to speak up and on another note, it kills me inside that your sisters havent' called in 2 years to see how you are doing, it's almost like you been written off.  Don't they want to know what Avery looked like, their nephew or how Abby is doing, they are missing out on so much. She is one beautiful, smart, little girl.  Are they not the least bit curious to see how you are doing?  Jim you are such a loving, caring, sweet and fabulous husband, you are my best friend, you have seen me at my worst and I have seen you at yours and I am proud we have weathered so many storms together and still stand side by side.  Marriages aren't perfect, people aren't perfect, but we have always remained together through thick and thin, when most couples don't survive the loss of a child, and the other ups and downs we have been through,  they tend to go their seperate ways according to statitics.  Jim I am sorry for the pain you carry in your heart as well and if I could take it away, I would, but thank you for traveling this journey with me and not leaving my side. I love you Jimmy Charles Davis Jr. and always will.

Love, Me

Sunday, February 5, 2012

My speech I gave at Avery's Butterflies Quarter Auction

I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I would like to share a little bit about what Avery's Butterflies is about. February 10th, 2010 our lives changed forever, I gave birth to a baby boy Avery Michael born still. The hardest thing was not giving birth, but having to let go knowing I would never physically see him again. Before our last embrace I promised him I would make a difference in this world, at the time not knowing how. The 1st year coming home from the hospital, I had all these thoughts and feelings and grief became very isolating. I realized if I felt all these feelings there had to be other Moms and Dads out there who felt the same. So after Avery's 1st birthday I started Avery's Butterflies, we meet monthly for a safe place to grieve, share, cry and laugh. These meetings mean the world to us, for instance I felt "abnormal" that I carried a picture around with me of Avery and at the meeting I had brought it up and every mom there pulled out a picture of their baby as well, it was an "aha" moment, yes this is "normal", my new normal, "our new "normal". We also hosted our first Tree event in October; in memory of infant loss Remembrance Day and I also go around to hospitals and doctors’ office and emphasize the importance of having a place for couples to go after their loss.

Acknowledgement of our babies short lives may be upsetting to you, you may think the less said the better, but we never knew how how important it would be to tell you about our babies, even though our babies died. You can help us through this difficult journey by letting us talk about our sorrow when we feel the need, allowing us to cry when we want and not pretending that everything is ok, when it's not... It will take time, this is a life long journey but with your support we will make it, so those of you who joined our tree event and came tonight, you are acknowledging our babies, and that means the world to us.

So thank you, our hopes are dreams are becoming possible because of your support, by becoming a nonprofit we will be able to help more families, host more events and I hope to hold conferences not only for moms and dads who have lost, but for physicians, family members and friends on how to be there for Moms and Dads who have lost an infant. So sincerely, we are blessed that you are all here tonight. Special thanks to Kelly for coordinating this quarter auction we are extremely thankful to everyone who donated their time, gifts and money to help make our hopes and dreams come true.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Avery's Butterflies and the week to follow....

Avery's Butterflies hosted our first quarter auction, and I was so touched by the response we had.  The room was filled with so many family and friends and people I didn't even know who came out to support us.  I was truly touched.  I never in my wildest dreams would have expected there not be a seat available.  I am so thankful for so many people, Kelly for organizing everything, my friend Darlene for hosting the bake sale and baking all the goodies, and for my Mom, Stacy, Kelly and Renee for pitching in with the baked items.  Also, everyone who donated to the charity table,my friends, family, I could go on and on... I am just so thankful and this is hard for me, but I am honestly proud of myself for getting up and speaking  into a microphone to over hundred people about Avery's Butterflies and our hopes and dreams for the future, there were tears in the room and for the Moms whom came up to me afterwards and thanked me for having the strength to speak about still birth.  Last week was a whirlwind with so much planning, activities with Abby and so on an so forth....which leads me into the week ahead....

Dear Avery,

Is it OK to say, I am honestly scared of next week, because tonight it is creeping in, I had my first meltdown, realizing in 7 days you would be 2.  I often wonder what you would be into, Thomas The Train? Mickey Mouse? Bob The Builder?  Would you be shy, vivacious, spunky, a momma's boy?  Would your hair still be a light blonde or would it have gotten darker.  I wonder if friends and family think I should be moved on by now and I realize you don't "move on", you "move through" the best way you know how.  I wonder what it would be like to hear my son call my name and how you and Abby would be interacting, she longs for you so much to the extent when she sees a brother and sister, she has asked, "Mommy, why can't that be me?"  I can't tell you what that does to my heart.

I could easily fight the grief and keep it stuffed in, but I know for me it's better to let it out, know matter how much the pain hurts,  I have to, it's still the pain that brings me literally to my knees, it's a physical ache inside my heart. 

Avery, I hope and pray you are proud of me....I am trying my best to be a good wife, mom, daughter, christian, advocate and friend, but this week is going to be extremely hard, so please help me through.

I love you so much, we all do, and you are so missed.  I just want you here with my arms....

Love, Mommy

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Before and After, Honest, raw emotions from a grieving mother.

I have had so many ask questions, I thought it was time to answer and this is the best way I knew how: 

What it’s like in the day and life of a grieving Mom and what it use to be like?

Before: “You wake up, innocence intact.”
Now:  You wake up and think, “Do I really have a child that died?”

Before: “You wake your child up to start the day.”
Now:  “You worry is my child ok?”

Before: “You fix breakfast and talk about the start of  the day.”
 Now:  “You see the empty chair that should be filled.”

Before: “You take your child shopping and going down the baby isle is no big deal."
 Now:  “You wonder if you can keep it together and not cry at the sight of diapers.”

Before:  “You enjoyed your baby’s cries and trying to figure out why they are crying.”
Now:  “You hear cry’s in the night only realizing, your mind is playing tricks on you and you feel like you are going crazy only to learn there is really such a think as phantom crying.”

Before:  “You were waking up to cries in the night to feed a hungry baby.”
Now: “You are waking up because you had a bad dream, only realizing it wasn’t a bad dream, this is real.”

Before: “When your breast milk came in it was wonderful.”
 Now:  “Your breast milk comes in and there is no baby to feed and when a baby cries, your body does the same thing it produces more.”

Before: “You see other pregnant women and think how wonderful.”
 Now:  “You try not to look, it’s painful and you wonder has she ever experienced a loss, does she know how lucky she is?”

Before: “When someone ask, how many kids you have, you proudly say x amount.”
Now:  “You wonder when you meet someone new, are they going to ask, how many and there is this internal struggle are they going to ask and if they do, you say x amount.  Then you wonder? Are they going to ask how old and then you say one is such and such and one is in heaven?” 

Before:  “It was so easy to enter a party or meet new people.”
Now:  “You wonder how uncomfortable they are going to be if they do ask, because for most of us, not all, but for most of us, we answer the normal questions people ask, are you married, how many children and now you say one’s in heaven and then there’s the uncomfortable stare, like Oh my god, and some just walk away and you are left standing there, thinking, why couldn’t she just say I’m sorry instead of just walking away?” 

Before:   “Your child never had a fear of dying.”
 Now:  “She or he knows all too well, that death is real, that babies die and not just old people, part of their innocence is lost and that hurts even more.”

Before:  “You never had a fear of going to baby showers.”
 Now: “Should I go? Or do you not? Of course you want to share in their joy, but you know just what can happen and you don’t want to spoil their innocence’s because when they look at you, they know just what can happen.”

Before:  “You hung pictures of living children on your walls.”
Now:   “Friends can’t understand, why you would want a picture of your dead child on your wall, it is because that’s all we have.”

Before:  “You kept pictures of living children in your purse.”
Now:  “You have a picture of both and people look at you like you’re crazy that you carry around a picture of your dead child.  Come to a meeting and ask every mom there to see a picture of their children, they have both, living and dead and you have a sigh of relief, I am not the only one.”

Before:  “Your smile was so bright.”
Now:  "You wonder if your smile will ever be that bright again."

Before: “You were surrounded by friends.”
Now: “You feel like you have a contagious disease.”

Before:  “Everyone knew just what to say to you.”
Now: “They are afraid to say the wrong thing and you are afraid of hearing it. Also, you are afraid you have made them uncomfortable.”

Before: “You could see children the same age as your living child and think how cute.”
Now:  “You think that’s what my child would be doing.”

Before:   “You laughed after a night out with friends.”
 Now: “You still laugh, but you wonder what’s it’s like to be “normal” again, to not be the Mother of a dead child.”

Before: “You were invited to lots of parties.”
Now: “ If friends know there’s going to be a child there the same age as your child would have been they chose who to invite, but for the one’s that truly care, they still invite you , but warn you ahead of time, there’s going to be a baby their the same age as your son/daughter would have been.”

Before:  “Dates on the calendar were just that.”
Now: “The day your child dies, is imbedded in your brain forever, your body physically reacts to the days before the number on the calendar without even having to look at the calendar.”

Before: “You would think I can’t imagine what that family is going through.”
Now:  “You know what that family is going through.”

Before: “You weren’t terrified if your husband and child were late from the store.”
 Now:  “If there late or your husband forgets his phone it sends you into a panic.”

Before:  “You were the Mom of living children.”
 Now:  “You’re that Mom that everyone looks at with that look, she’s the one who lost her child.”

Before:   “You cleaned your house.”
Now:  “You are dusting off your child’s urn.”

Before: “You never worried about your house burning down.”
 Now:  “You worry, your house is going to burn and the clothes, blankets, and hat your child was wearing the day they were born are going to disappear.”

Before:  “You could handle people saying everything happens for a reason.”
Now:  “You want to punch someone when they say your child died for a reason.”

Before:  “You could laugh and not feel guilty.”
Now:  “The first time you laughed you start to cry because you feel guilty for laughing, but in time you give yourself the gift of laughter again, but it’s a long road.”

Before:  "You had friends."
Now:  "You realize how lucky you are to have friends who still walk by your side to this day."

Before:  “I was Jennifer Davis, a wife and a mom.”
Now:  “I am Jennifer Davis, a wife, a mom; I am that Mom who had to cremate her child.”  Hug me, reach out to me, I need you even more now, I can’t promise I am the same person you knew before, but if we walk this together you can help me discover the new me and see all the good I am doing in Avery’s name and you just might even love me more.”

Before:   “February 10th was just another day.”
Now:  “You realize that’s the day your life changed forever.”

Love, Jennifer


Saturday, January 7, 2012

My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!

Last night was a horrible bout with my stomach issues and I am still recovering from last night and my beautiful daughter made me a homemade gift bag with several notes inside, I just had to share.  Abby's handmade notes touched my heart tremendously, they were so heartfelt, genuine and loving.  I shed tears, but tears of joy, Abby Estelle, you give me so much joy and the reason I have so much happiness in my life.  Thank you Abby you are my shining Miracle!!!!

Abby's Homemade Gift Bag made from scratch some paper, staples and a heart and the best gift ever!!!

So incredibly special, I love you Mom. I'm sorry about your stomach, Love, Abby

And the one that made me cry tears of joy, Mommy you are so special to me, I can't describe how much I love you, well she just did, my rock, Love you Abby Estelle!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

A normal doctors appointment for most, the day in the life of a grieving mom

Well I had a doctors appointment yesterday and did not realize until the night before that it was in the same building where Avery had passed. If I had known this I more than likely would have rescheduled and it's not about avoiding pain, it's about protecting my heart, because when I can, I try.  Part of me thought OK, they have to be on different floors right? So, Jim met me there, but he was a bit late, so I am sitting there trying not to look at the building, the very building my son passed.  Jim arrives we go in together and guess what they are on the same floor.  So all the memories come rushing back, I feel my face is getting red and flushed.  (I can still remember the clothes I had on that day, 02/09/10, purple silk maternity top one of my favorites with a paisley top design and maternity jeans and my black clogs and black socks.)  We go to the 2nd floor and as soon as we get off there to the right is the door to Sweeney's office, the very door I went in anticipating my last ultrasound before Our Avery was to be born, deep breath, deep breath.  We walk to the left and go into the doctor I am seeing, there are 2 waiting rooms.  I feel like cattle, going from one room to another.  Why, am I there, because I am being "prepped" to what testing I have to have done to make sure I don't have colon cancer.  I am having GI bleeding here and there and told it's just a precautionary, just to make sure since my grandfather died from it and a history of precancerous polyps in my family, so there I am in the exam room, then they move me to another exam room and we go through all my symptoms and I am asked has my weight changed and I say yes, gained or loss, well I sit there and ponder, well I haven't lost, but I haven't gained ,it's the same as when I came home from the hospital, so I tell her, I never lost the weight from my still born son, there is no I'm sorry, I apologize for the tears starting to flow, (why I apologize I have no idea), and she says that's OK.  So we go over all the testing I have to have done and then we are taken to another exam room, hence the cattle, I feel like a number.  I don't want to be here, I don't want to have this testing done, but I know I need too.  I never had a fear of dying before, until after we lost Avery, now I am scared, the thought of leaving Abby destroys me inside and no I am not being negative, but once you lose a child, you know "what" can happen in life and you realize every second is precious.  So the test is scheduled for the end of the month, they had nothing sooner.  So just something else to worry about and I will try not too, but it is what it is.  So we walk out and there is a women on the phone with her husband I assume, about how great her appointment went and how the baby is doing and happy she is, I want to cry, I hold back the tears, until on the way home.  I am in my truck, bawling my eye's out, I don't want to be sad, damn it, I want to be happy, and part of me is sad, because why couldn't the doctor say I am sorry you had a still born child, I want to be on my way home to picking up 2 children from Renee's house.  I am thankful Renee ask me to sit for a while, she cheered me up and it wasn't necessarily about the conversation it was just about feeling loved by her and she made me laugh.  On the way home, Abby got quiet and I asked what's wrong, "I am worried about you, are you going to be OK?"  Of course I tell her you know how strong mommy is, we will get through this testing and hopefully they will be able to fix me all up.

So praying this is true, because I want to live well into my 90's, I miss Avery and I can't wait to hold him again, but I have a heck of a lot more living to do.  So last night, I held Abby a little closer, but honestly don't know how that's possible, lol, but I did.  I am thankful for my husband for going with me and thankful for Renee for watching my beautiful little girl and I am thankful for my mom who will be taking me for the testing, I am thankful for life, I am thankful for my family, friends and praying that my little Avery will be sending healing to me and that nothing is wrong and that this truly is precautionary testing.