My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!

My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!
Ab's and I

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Before and After, Honest, raw emotions from a grieving mother.

I have had so many ask questions, I thought it was time to answer and this is the best way I knew how: 

What it’s like in the day and life of a grieving Mom and what it use to be like?

Before: “You wake up, innocence intact.”
Now:  You wake up and think, “Do I really have a child that died?”

Before: “You wake your child up to start the day.”
Now:  “You worry is my child ok?”

Before: “You fix breakfast and talk about the start of  the day.”
 Now:  “You see the empty chair that should be filled.”

Before: “You take your child shopping and going down the baby isle is no big deal."
 Now:  “You wonder if you can keep it together and not cry at the sight of diapers.”

Before:  “You enjoyed your baby’s cries and trying to figure out why they are crying.”
Now:  “You hear cry’s in the night only realizing, your mind is playing tricks on you and you feel like you are going crazy only to learn there is really such a think as phantom crying.”

Before:  “You were waking up to cries in the night to feed a hungry baby.”
Now: “You are waking up because you had a bad dream, only realizing it wasn’t a bad dream, this is real.”

Before: “When your breast milk came in it was wonderful.”
 Now:  “Your breast milk comes in and there is no baby to feed and when a baby cries, your body does the same thing it produces more.”

Before: “You see other pregnant women and think how wonderful.”
 Now:  “You try not to look, it’s painful and you wonder has she ever experienced a loss, does she know how lucky she is?”

Before: “When someone ask, how many kids you have, you proudly say x amount.”
Now:  “You wonder when you meet someone new, are they going to ask, how many and there is this internal struggle are they going to ask and if they do, you say x amount.  Then you wonder? Are they going to ask how old and then you say one is such and such and one is in heaven?” 

Before:  “It was so easy to enter a party or meet new people.”
Now:  “You wonder how uncomfortable they are going to be if they do ask, because for most of us, not all, but for most of us, we answer the normal questions people ask, are you married, how many children and now you say one’s in heaven and then there’s the uncomfortable stare, like Oh my god, and some just walk away and you are left standing there, thinking, why couldn’t she just say I’m sorry instead of just walking away?” 

Before:   “Your child never had a fear of dying.”
 Now:  “She or he knows all too well, that death is real, that babies die and not just old people, part of their innocence is lost and that hurts even more.”

Before:  “You never had a fear of going to baby showers.”
 Now: “Should I go? Or do you not? Of course you want to share in their joy, but you know just what can happen and you don’t want to spoil their innocence’s because when they look at you, they know just what can happen.”

Before:  “You hung pictures of living children on your walls.”
Now:   “Friends can’t understand, why you would want a picture of your dead child on your wall, it is because that’s all we have.”

Before:  “You kept pictures of living children in your purse.”
Now:  “You have a picture of both and people look at you like you’re crazy that you carry around a picture of your dead child.  Come to a meeting and ask every mom there to see a picture of their children, they have both, living and dead and you have a sigh of relief, I am not the only one.”

Before:  “Your smile was so bright.”
Now:  "You wonder if your smile will ever be that bright again."

Before: “You were surrounded by friends.”
Now: “You feel like you have a contagious disease.”

Before:  “Everyone knew just what to say to you.”
Now: “They are afraid to say the wrong thing and you are afraid of hearing it. Also, you are afraid you have made them uncomfortable.”

Before: “You could see children the same age as your living child and think how cute.”
Now:  “You think that’s what my child would be doing.”

Before:   “You laughed after a night out with friends.”
 Now: “You still laugh, but you wonder what’s it’s like to be “normal” again, to not be the Mother of a dead child.”

Before: “You were invited to lots of parties.”
Now: “ If friends know there’s going to be a child there the same age as your child would have been they chose who to invite, but for the one’s that truly care, they still invite you , but warn you ahead of time, there’s going to be a baby their the same age as your son/daughter would have been.”

Before:  “Dates on the calendar were just that.”
Now: “The day your child dies, is imbedded in your brain forever, your body physically reacts to the days before the number on the calendar without even having to look at the calendar.”

Before: “You would think I can’t imagine what that family is going through.”
Now:  “You know what that family is going through.”

Before: “You weren’t terrified if your husband and child were late from the store.”
 Now:  “If there late or your husband forgets his phone it sends you into a panic.”

Before:  “You were the Mom of living children.”
 Now:  “You’re that Mom that everyone looks at with that look, she’s the one who lost her child.”

Before:   “You cleaned your house.”
Now:  “You are dusting off your child’s urn.”

Before: “You never worried about your house burning down.”
 Now:  “You worry, your house is going to burn and the clothes, blankets, and hat your child was wearing the day they were born are going to disappear.”

Before:  “You could handle people saying everything happens for a reason.”
Now:  “You want to punch someone when they say your child died for a reason.”

Before:  “You could laugh and not feel guilty.”
Now:  “The first time you laughed you start to cry because you feel guilty for laughing, but in time you give yourself the gift of laughter again, but it’s a long road.”

Before:  "You had friends."
Now:  "You realize how lucky you are to have friends who still walk by your side to this day."

Before:  “I was Jennifer Davis, a wife and a mom.”
Now:  “I am Jennifer Davis, a wife, a mom; I am that Mom who had to cremate her child.”  Hug me, reach out to me, I need you even more now, I can’t promise I am the same person you knew before, but if we walk this together you can help me discover the new me and see all the good I am doing in Avery’s name and you just might even love me more.”

Before:   “February 10th was just another day.”
Now:  “You realize that’s the day your life changed forever.”

Love, Jennifer


Saturday, January 7, 2012

My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!

Last night was a horrible bout with my stomach issues and I am still recovering from last night and my beautiful daughter made me a homemade gift bag with several notes inside, I just had to share.  Abby's handmade notes touched my heart tremendously, they were so heartfelt, genuine and loving.  I shed tears, but tears of joy, Abby Estelle, you give me so much joy and the reason I have so much happiness in my life.  Thank you Abby you are my shining Miracle!!!!

Abby's Homemade Gift Bag made from scratch some paper, staples and a heart and the best gift ever!!!

So incredibly special, I love you Mom. I'm sorry about your stomach, Love, Abby

And the one that made me cry tears of joy, Mommy you are so special to me, I can't describe how much I love you, well she just did, my rock, Love you Abby Estelle!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

A normal doctors appointment for most, the day in the life of a grieving mom

Well I had a doctors appointment yesterday and did not realize until the night before that it was in the same building where Avery had passed. If I had known this I more than likely would have rescheduled and it's not about avoiding pain, it's about protecting my heart, because when I can, I try.  Part of me thought OK, they have to be on different floors right? So, Jim met me there, but he was a bit late, so I am sitting there trying not to look at the building, the very building my son passed.  Jim arrives we go in together and guess what they are on the same floor.  So all the memories come rushing back, I feel my face is getting red and flushed.  (I can still remember the clothes I had on that day, 02/09/10, purple silk maternity top one of my favorites with a paisley top design and maternity jeans and my black clogs and black socks.)  We go to the 2nd floor and as soon as we get off there to the right is the door to Sweeney's office, the very door I went in anticipating my last ultrasound before Our Avery was to be born, deep breath, deep breath.  We walk to the left and go into the doctor I am seeing, there are 2 waiting rooms.  I feel like cattle, going from one room to another.  Why, am I there, because I am being "prepped" to what testing I have to have done to make sure I don't have colon cancer.  I am having GI bleeding here and there and told it's just a precautionary, just to make sure since my grandfather died from it and a history of precancerous polyps in my family, so there I am in the exam room, then they move me to another exam room and we go through all my symptoms and I am asked has my weight changed and I say yes, gained or loss, well I sit there and ponder, well I haven't lost, but I haven't gained ,it's the same as when I came home from the hospital, so I tell her, I never lost the weight from my still born son, there is no I'm sorry, I apologize for the tears starting to flow, (why I apologize I have no idea), and she says that's OK.  So we go over all the testing I have to have done and then we are taken to another exam room, hence the cattle, I feel like a number.  I don't want to be here, I don't want to have this testing done, but I know I need too.  I never had a fear of dying before, until after we lost Avery, now I am scared, the thought of leaving Abby destroys me inside and no I am not being negative, but once you lose a child, you know "what" can happen in life and you realize every second is precious.  So the test is scheduled for the end of the month, they had nothing sooner.  So just something else to worry about and I will try not too, but it is what it is.  So we walk out and there is a women on the phone with her husband I assume, about how great her appointment went and how the baby is doing and happy she is, I want to cry, I hold back the tears, until on the way home.  I am in my truck, bawling my eye's out, I don't want to be sad, damn it, I want to be happy, and part of me is sad, because why couldn't the doctor say I am sorry you had a still born child, I want to be on my way home to picking up 2 children from Renee's house.  I am thankful Renee ask me to sit for a while, she cheered me up and it wasn't necessarily about the conversation it was just about feeling loved by her and she made me laugh.  On the way home, Abby got quiet and I asked what's wrong, "I am worried about you, are you going to be OK?"  Of course I tell her you know how strong mommy is, we will get through this testing and hopefully they will be able to fix me all up.

So praying this is true, because I want to live well into my 90's, I miss Avery and I can't wait to hold him again, but I have a heck of a lot more living to do.  So last night, I held Abby a little closer, but honestly don't know how that's possible, lol, but I did.  I am thankful for my husband for going with me and thankful for Renee for watching my beautiful little girl and I am thankful for my mom who will be taking me for the testing, I am thankful for life, I am thankful for my family, friends and praying that my little Avery will be sending healing to me and that nothing is wrong and that this truly is precautionary testing.