My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!

My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!
Ab's and I

Thursday, January 5, 2012

A normal doctors appointment for most, the day in the life of a grieving mom

Well I had a doctors appointment yesterday and did not realize until the night before that it was in the same building where Avery had passed. If I had known this I more than likely would have rescheduled and it's not about avoiding pain, it's about protecting my heart, because when I can, I try.  Part of me thought OK, they have to be on different floors right? So, Jim met me there, but he was a bit late, so I am sitting there trying not to look at the building, the very building my son passed.  Jim arrives we go in together and guess what they are on the same floor.  So all the memories come rushing back, I feel my face is getting red and flushed.  (I can still remember the clothes I had on that day, 02/09/10, purple silk maternity top one of my favorites with a paisley top design and maternity jeans and my black clogs and black socks.)  We go to the 2nd floor and as soon as we get off there to the right is the door to Sweeney's office, the very door I went in anticipating my last ultrasound before Our Avery was to be born, deep breath, deep breath.  We walk to the left and go into the doctor I am seeing, there are 2 waiting rooms.  I feel like cattle, going from one room to another.  Why, am I there, because I am being "prepped" to what testing I have to have done to make sure I don't have colon cancer.  I am having GI bleeding here and there and told it's just a precautionary, just to make sure since my grandfather died from it and a history of precancerous polyps in my family, so there I am in the exam room, then they move me to another exam room and we go through all my symptoms and I am asked has my weight changed and I say yes, gained or loss, well I sit there and ponder, well I haven't lost, but I haven't gained ,it's the same as when I came home from the hospital, so I tell her, I never lost the weight from my still born son, there is no I'm sorry, I apologize for the tears starting to flow, (why I apologize I have no idea), and she says that's OK.  So we go over all the testing I have to have done and then we are taken to another exam room, hence the cattle, I feel like a number.  I don't want to be here, I don't want to have this testing done, but I know I need too.  I never had a fear of dying before, until after we lost Avery, now I am scared, the thought of leaving Abby destroys me inside and no I am not being negative, but once you lose a child, you know "what" can happen in life and you realize every second is precious.  So the test is scheduled for the end of the month, they had nothing sooner.  So just something else to worry about and I will try not too, but it is what it is.  So we walk out and there is a women on the phone with her husband I assume, about how great her appointment went and how the baby is doing and happy she is, I want to cry, I hold back the tears, until on the way home.  I am in my truck, bawling my eye's out, I don't want to be sad, damn it, I want to be happy, and part of me is sad, because why couldn't the doctor say I am sorry you had a still born child, I want to be on my way home to picking up 2 children from Renee's house.  I am thankful Renee ask me to sit for a while, she cheered me up and it wasn't necessarily about the conversation it was just about feeling loved by her and she made me laugh.  On the way home, Abby got quiet and I asked what's wrong, "I am worried about you, are you going to be OK?"  Of course I tell her you know how strong mommy is, we will get through this testing and hopefully they will be able to fix me all up.

So praying this is true, because I want to live well into my 90's, I miss Avery and I can't wait to hold him again, but I have a heck of a lot more living to do.  So last night, I held Abby a little closer, but honestly don't know how that's possible, lol, but I did.  I am thankful for my husband for going with me and thankful for Renee for watching my beautiful little girl and I am thankful for my mom who will be taking me for the testing, I am thankful for life, I am thankful for my family, friends and praying that my little Avery will be sending healing to me and that nothing is wrong and that this truly is precautionary testing.