My Husband's grief....

Dear Jimmy,

Today I am reflecting upon your grief and it pains, me.  I have friends I talk to and I still feel so lonely at times. I can't imagine the pain you carry within.  You were right by my side for every appointment, gave me my shots everyday and watched Avery being born, I told you not to look  until they unwrapped the cord, but you insisted and I know you still continuously have nightmares about that.  I can still remember when people would call the house or stop by asking you how was I? Only a very few asked how you were, and I still remember you asking, "Jen, don't they realize I lost him too?"  Why are men expected to be strong, what does strong exactly mean?  Does that mean men aren't suppose to cry or grieve, why are women given permission?  I don't understand it and never will.  Does being strong mean holding your grief in?  We need to change how other's view the grief of a man and that is a venture I hope and pray you will find in your heart to do?  That you will have the strength one day to speak up and on another note, it kills me inside that your sisters havent' called in 2 years to see how you are doing, it's almost like you been written off.  Don't they want to know what Avery looked like, their nephew or how Abby is doing, they are missing out on so much. She is one beautiful, smart, little girl.  Are they not the least bit curious to see how you are doing?  Jim you are such a loving, caring, sweet and fabulous husband, you are my best friend, you have seen me at my worst and I have seen you at yours and I am proud we have weathered so many storms together and still stand side by side.  Marriages aren't perfect, people aren't perfect, but we have always remained together through thick and thin, when most couples don't survive the loss of a child, and the other ups and downs we have been through,  they tend to go their seperate ways according to statitics.  Jim I am sorry for the pain you carry in your heart as well and if I could take it away, I would, but thank you for traveling this journey with me and not leaving my side. I love you Jimmy Charles Davis Jr. and always will.

Love, Me

My speech I gave at Avery's Butterflies Quarter Auction

I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I would like to share a little bit about what Avery's Butterflies is about. February 10th, 2010 our lives changed forever, I gave birth to a baby boy Avery Michael born still. The hardest thing was not giving birth, but having to let go knowing I would never physically see him again. Before our last embrace I promised him I would make a difference in this world, at the time not knowing how. The 1st year coming home from the hospital, I had all these thoughts and feelings and grief became very isolating. I realized if I felt all these feelings there had to be other Moms and Dads out there who felt the same. So after Avery's 1st birthday I started Avery's Butterflies, we meet monthly for a safe place to grieve, share, cry and laugh. These meetings mean the world to us, for instance I felt "abnormal" that I carried a picture around with me of Avery and at the meeting I had brought it up and every mom there pulled out a picture of their baby as well, it was an "aha" moment, yes this is "normal", my new normal, "our new "normal". We also hosted our first Tree event in October; in memory of infant loss Remembrance Day and I also go around to hospitals and doctors’ office and emphasize the importance of having a place for couples to go after their loss.


Acknowledgement of our babies short lives may be upsetting to you, you may think the less said the better, but we never knew how how important it would be to tell you about our babies, even though our babies died. You can help us through this difficult journey by letting us talk about our sorrow when we feel the need, allowing us to cry when we want and not pretending that everything is ok, when it's not... It will take time, this is a life long journey but with your support we will make it, so those of you who joined our tree event and came tonight, you are acknowledging our babies, and that means the world to us.

So thank you, our hopes are dreams are becoming possible because of your support, by becoming a nonprofit we will be able to help more families, host more events and I hope to hold conferences not only for moms and dads who have lost, but for physicians, family members and friends on how to be there for Moms and Dads who have lost an infant. So sincerely, we are blessed that you are all here tonight. Special thanks to Kelly for coordinating this quarter auction we are extremely thankful to everyone who donated their time, gifts and money to help make our hopes and dreams come true.

Avery's Butterflies and the week to follow....

Avery's Butterflies hosted our first quarter auction, and I was so touched by the response we had.  The room was filled with so many family and friends and people I didn't even know who came out to support us.  I was truly touched.  I never in my wildest dreams would have expected there not be a seat available.  I am so thankful for so many people, Kelly for organizing everything, my friend Darlene for hosting the bake sale and baking all the goodies, and for my Mom, Stacy, Kelly and Renee for pitching in with the baked items.  Also, everyone who donated to the charity table,my friends, family, I could go on and on... I am just so thankful and this is hard for me, but I am honestly proud of myself for getting up and speaking  into a microphone to over hundred people about Avery's Butterflies and our hopes and dreams for the future, there were tears in the room and for the Moms whom came up to me afterwards and thanked me for having the strength to speak about still birth.  Last week was a whirlwind with so much planning, activities with Abby and so on an so forth....which leads me into the week ahead....

Dear Avery,

Is it OK to say, I am honestly scared of next week, because tonight it is creeping in, I had my first meltdown, realizing in 7 days you would be 2.  I often wonder what you would be into, Thomas The Train? Mickey Mouse? Bob The Builder?  Would you be shy, vivacious, spunky, a momma's boy?  Would your hair still be a light blonde or would it have gotten darker.  I wonder if friends and family think I should be moved on by now and I realize you don't "move on", you "move through" the best way you know how.  I wonder what it would be like to hear my son call my name and how you and Abby would be interacting, she longs for you so much to the extent when she sees a brother and sister, she has asked, "Mommy, why can't that be me?"  I can't tell you what that does to my heart.

I could easily fight the grief and keep it stuffed in, but I know for me it's better to let it out, know matter how much the pain hurts,  I have to, it's still the pain that brings me literally to my knees, it's a physical ache inside my heart. 

Avery, I hope and pray you are proud of me....I am trying my best to be a good wife, mom, daughter, christian, advocate and friend, but this week is going to be extremely hard, so please help me through.

I love you so much, we all do, and you are so missed.  I just want you here with me....in my arms....

Love, Mommy