tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57973838168585400902024-03-13T04:57:34.833-07:00Abby & Avery's ButterfliesI have a beautiful daughter Abby Estelle-Marie who continues to bring joy,love and laughter to my life and I have a son who is in heaven who brings love to my life everyday. This is my journey of raising both, one with feet and one with wings and trying to get the courage up to talk about Faith Marie, a loss I still have never dealt with.Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-465303874055445282012-07-05T12:15:00.002-07:002012-07-05T12:15:39.667-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwack45hFQPuW3cw2oPSk09Rrf3VU7Uw2uBIic9go7OnJtbhh5KOxndfd5qIEB86Goe9DIsZkXKwbHn0DXGSCiHy87T6QHWLfU4mGAiq8-PjpJFKyap9CZf9ectGuxlQZR5RWWkJT3rQ/s1600/july46.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwack45hFQPuW3cw2oPSk09Rrf3VU7Uw2uBIic9go7OnJtbhh5KOxndfd5qIEB86Goe9DIsZkXKwbHn0DXGSCiHy87T6QHWLfU4mGAiq8-PjpJFKyap9CZf9ectGuxlQZR5RWWkJT3rQ/s320/july46.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>July 4th, so I made it through, another year without you. Every July I dip into a deep depression since you had passed away and I really fought with all my might not to this year and in some ways I did. I wasn't as sad as I usually get, I was able to get out of bed and function and kept myself pretty busy which helped tremendously, but there are those moments that still bring you to your knees, that you are gone and no matter how much crying I do, you are never coming back. I miss making a tye dye shirt with you, your sister has such joy in that every year and there are moments that she asks Mommy, why and that just breaks my heart in two. I can handle my grief I know what to do, but to watch Abby cry out for you or see her in pain is so difficult, because I know there is nothing I can do to fix this and that makes me sad for my Mom, knowing that in her heart to see me in pain. I invited friends this year for tye dye day, something I haven't done for the last 2 years and that felt good and I hope to continue year after year as I so have traditionally done. I went to my friend Darlene's house as I have done since you passed but have never made it through to the fireworks, the thought of you in my arms holding your little ears from the loud noises and seeing your little eyes in delight was just too painful, but this year was different. I had to be strong for Ab's and it wasn't as difficult as I thought. For years I have shed myself from certain pains and I truly believe, protect your heart when you can, but this year, I knew I was stronger and I had Ab's in my lap and watching her delight was amazing and just before fireworks were to start, there out of the blue there was a sky lantern in the sky and of course it made me think of you, but not with sadness but fondness because I know that was you, saying, "Mom, I am alright!" Grief is a funny thing, it comes in waves and some days stronger than others and some days the water is calm, this doesn't mean I don't miss you any less...There is not a day that goes by that your not thought of, loved, wanted and missed. So I am giving myself a pat on the back, yes this year I did it, and some may think really, July 4th, fireworks, what's the big deal, but to a grieving mother it is a big deal. Every moment, celebration, birthday, anniversary is another moment without you and oh I wish I could mend this broken heart....part of it will be broken forever. I love you so much, so I hope you are proud of me, your father and your sister for getting through another holiday without you and yes even if it was "just" the 4th of July.</i><br />
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<i>Love, Mommy</i>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-89166250237250885292012-04-07T18:05:00.002-07:002012-04-07T18:11:23.557-07:00Thoughts about Easter....<em>I have gotten asked alot lately, does it get easier? I have several thoughts about that and my answer is no, it get's different, but not easier, because when it comes right down to it, if I sit and really, really, focus on you in my arms the pain literally brings me right down to my knees. However, I try my best to enjoy the life I have here, because I know you are in a wonderful place and where there is nothing but joy, happiness and all the Easter eggs you want, but that's just it....tonight sitting dying Easter eggs with Abby there are moments of extreme joy and moments of sadness. </em><br />
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<em>I should be watching you and Abby sitting side by side dying Easter eggs together, not dying an egg In Memory of You....</em><br />
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<em>I should be setting up your Easter basket tonight with blue Easter grass not setting out a bowl that I made for you, In Memory of....</em><br />
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<em>I should be lying your Easter clothes out next to Ab's for tomorrows festivities....not looking at your picture and wishing you a Happy Easter....</em><br />
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<em>I should be watching you and Ab's coming out from your bedroom doors hand in hand running to the kitchen excited to see what the Easter Bunny has brought you both....</em><br />
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<em>I should be sitting in church with the both of you with each of you by your daddy's and my side, instead of seeing a 2 year old boy right in front of me saying hi, all the while holding back the tears in my eyes...</em><br />
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<em>I should be helping you with the Easter egg hunt at my Aunts and your sister I know would be helping you too....instead I wonder if anyone will mention you tomorrow?....</em><br />
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<em>We should all be snuggling on the sofa tomorrow night ending the day with an Easter movie, instead of letting a Sky Lantern go In Memory of You.....</em><br />
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<em>So to answer all of you who ask, does it get easier? No, does it get different yes....Would I change anything, yes for you to be here with us...but I would never change not having you in my life no matter how short the time, because you have taught me so much....</em><br />
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<em>I feel I am a better wife, mother, friend, writer, and advocate and for that Avery I thank you.</em><br />
<em>I miss you...</em><br />
<em>I love you...</em><br />
<em>Happy Easter Little Man, Happy Easter!</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-91626736232529690102012-03-13T21:10:00.001-07:002012-03-13T21:12:26.428-07:00Life....<em>There are moments I feel so much happiness in my heart, finding myself truly smiling again and enjoying the simple joys in life, my daughter, my husband, spending time with my mom, my dad, my brother and the special friends in my life. These are extremely happy moments, but part of me still constantly aches for you. There are days I feel so strong and then someone asks me a question or I have to fill out a form at a doctors office, how many live pregnancies have you had, that I just want to crawl in a hole and cry. I still think about you everyday and wonder how talkative you would be, how fast you would be running, what you and your sister would be doing? My dad being in the hospital made everything resurface again, how precious life is, how in a matter of seconds life changes. We are blessed he is ok, but it did shake me up quite a bit. It brought me to wonder about my own mortality and this blood clotting disorder I have, I want to live a long, long life. I want to see and experience everyday of Abby's life because I know where you are, you are taken care of and happy. Abby I feel this need to protect her everyway that I can, and I know there are moments I won't be able to. I can still remember holding you in my arms, your toes, your hands, your nose, your lip that curled just like Abby's, the thought that my body didn't protect you, the very cord that brought you life, ended your physical life, the thought brings me to my knees, literally. I want to be celebrating St. Patty's Day with you, I want to be a mom juggling 2 living kids, but now I am a mom juggling being the best mom I can be to Abby and juggling being the best mom to you. Many I am sure wonder why would you think that, he's gone? Because, he is my son and I want nothing more than for him to be proud of me, for when it's time for me to embrace him again, I want to hear his sweet little voice say, Mommy I am proud of you.</em><br />
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<em>I love you Abby, I love you Faith (and I am trying Faith to start to talk about you) and I love you Avery and miss you so very much.</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-34369417644378840922012-02-09T13:44:00.000-08:002012-02-09T13:44:35.675-08:00My Husband's grief....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0eEXXASZXI-TlioPnB5YocybybAGqvSJ6H_ERKDRCrOF1QW75EpnnX8n9X90drQ2UpekwYlKHSy5x9q9YZJkWQ5Svy_L4H2T1LwJR8PF-ANVOFJ1Osv7lMu4EEfEJvquPPfcBXpyheQ/s1600/jimandme.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0eEXXASZXI-TlioPnB5YocybybAGqvSJ6H_ERKDRCrOF1QW75EpnnX8n9X90drQ2UpekwYlKHSy5x9q9YZJkWQ5Svy_L4H2T1LwJR8PF-ANVOFJ1Osv7lMu4EEfEJvquPPfcBXpyheQ/s320/jimandme.bmp" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<em>Dear Jimmy,</em><br />
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<em>Today I am reflecting upon your grief and it pains, me. I have friends I talk to and I still feel so lonely at times. I can't imagine the pain you carry within. You were right by my side for every appointment, gave me my shots everyday and watched Avery being born, I told you not to look until they unwrapped the cord, but you insisted and I know you still continuously have nightmares about that. I can still remember when people would call the house or stop by asking you how was I? Only a very few asked how you were, and I still remember you asking, "Jen, don't they realize I lost him too?" Why are men expected to be strong, what does strong exactly mean? Does that mean men aren't suppose to cry or grieve, why are women given permission? I don't understand it and never will. Does being strong mean holding your grief in? We need to change how other's view the grief of a man and that is a venture I hope and pray you will find in your heart to do? That you will have the strength one day to speak up and on another note, it kills me inside that your sisters havent' called in 2 years to see how you are doing, it's almost like you been written off. Don't they want to know what Avery looked like, their nephew or how Abby is doing, they are missing out on so much. She is one beautiful, smart, little girl. Are they not the least bit curious to see how you are doing? Jim you are such a loving, caring, sweet and fabulous husband, you are my best friend, you have seen me at my worst and I have seen you at yours and I am proud we have weathered so many storms together and still stand side by side. Marriages aren't perfect, people aren't perfect, but we have always remained together through thick and thin, when most couples don't survive the loss of a child, and the other ups and downs we have been through, they tend to go their seperate ways according to statitics. Jim I am sorry for the pain you carry in your heart as well and if I could take it away, I would, but thank you for traveling this journey with me and not leaving my side. I love you Jimmy Charles Davis Jr. and always will.</em><br />
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<em>Love, Me</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-8322896842122287782012-02-05T14:13:00.000-08:002012-02-05T14:13:59.599-08:00My speech I gave at Avery's Butterflies Quarter Auction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilRrqJrg0stBEq_SB22gIpE4tlfDL9vyTkZTJPEpnhZKGkPHSoR1ROv8MZTB64Y86pzLXrimkXC471X-6HZtECLYlDctG7lb2lrhWChRpYh2dk4WOxGdRzBinHp9s_Vl3h9azUHfXV_A/s1600/averysbutterflies1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilRrqJrg0stBEq_SB22gIpE4tlfDL9vyTkZTJPEpnhZKGkPHSoR1ROv8MZTB64Y86pzLXrimkXC471X-6HZtECLYlDctG7lb2lrhWChRpYh2dk4WOxGdRzBinHp9s_Vl3h9azUHfXV_A/s320/averysbutterflies1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I would like to share a little bit about what Avery's Butterflies is about. February 10th, 2010 our lives changed forever, I gave birth to a baby boy Avery Michael born still. The hardest thing was not giving birth, but having to let go knowing I would never physically see him again. Before our last embrace I promised him I would make a difference in this world, at the time not knowing how. The 1st year coming home from the hospital, I had all these thoughts and feelings and grief became very isolating. I realized if I felt all these feelings there had to be other Moms and Dads out there who felt the same. So after Avery's 1st birthday I started Avery's Butterflies, we meet monthly for a safe place to grieve, share, cry and laugh. These meetings mean the world to us, for instance I felt "abnormal" that I carried a picture around with me of Avery and at the meeting I had brought it up and every mom there pulled out a picture of their baby as well, it was an "aha" moment, yes this is "normal", my new normal, "our new "normal". We also hosted our first Tree event in October; in memory of infant loss Remembrance Day and I also go around to hospitals and doctors’ office and emphasize the importance of having a place for couples to go after their loss.<br />
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Acknowledgement of our babies short lives may be upsetting to you, you may think the less said the better, but we never knew how how important it would be to tell you about our babies, even though our babies died. You can help us through this difficult journey by letting us talk about our sorrow when we feel the need, allowing us to cry when we want and not pretending that everything is ok, when it's not... It will take time, this is a life long journey but with your support we will make it, so those of you who joined our tree event and came tonight, you are acknowledging our babies, and that means the world to us.<br />
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So thank you, our hopes are dreams are becoming possible because of your support, by becoming a nonprofit we will be able to help more families, host more events and I hope to hold conferences not only for moms and dads who have lost, but for physicians, family members and friends on how to be there for Moms and Dads who have lost an infant. So sincerely, we are blessed that you are all here tonight. Special thanks to Kelly for coordinating this quarter auction we are extremely thankful to everyone who donated their time, gifts and money to help make our hopes and dreams come true.Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-29701143738067045882012-02-04T19:20:00.000-08:002012-02-04T19:32:34.996-08:00Avery's Butterflies and the week to follow....<em>Avery's Butterflies hosted our first quarter auction, and I was so touched by the response we had. The room was filled with so many family and friends and people I didn't even know who came out to support us. I was truly touched. I never in my wildest dreams would have expected there not be a seat available. I am so thankful for so many people, Kelly for organizing everything, my friend Darlene for hosting the bake sale and baking all the goodies, and for my Mom, Stacy, Kelly and Renee for pitching in with the baked items. Also, everyone who donated to the charity table,my friends, family, I could go on and on... I am just so thankful and this is hard for me, but I am honestly proud of myself for getting up and speaking into a microphone to over hundred people about Avery's Butterflies and our hopes and dreams for the future, there were tears in the room and for the Moms whom came up to me afterwards and thanked me for having the strength to speak about still birth. Last week was a whirlwind with so much planning, activities with Abby and so on an so forth....which leads me into the week ahead....</em><br />
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<em>Dear Avery,</em><br />
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<em>Is it OK to say, I am honestly scared of next week, because tonight it is creeping in, I had my first meltdown, realizing in 7 days you would be 2. I often wonder what you would be into, Thomas The Train? Mickey Mouse? Bob The Builder? Would you be shy, vivacious, spunky, a momma's boy? Would your hair still be a light blonde or would it have gotten darker. I wonder if friends and family think I should be moved on by now and I realize you don't "move on", you "move through" the best way you know how. I wonder what it would be like to hear my son call my name and how you and Abby would be interacting, she longs for you so much to the extent when she sees a brother and sister, she has asked, "Mommy, why can't that be me?" I can't tell you what that does to my heart.</em><br />
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<em>I could easily fight the grief and keep it stuffed in, but I know for me it's better to let it out, know matter how much the pain hurts, I have to, it's still the pain that brings me literally to my knees, it's a physical ache inside my heart. </em><br />
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<em>Avery, I hope and pray you are proud of me....I am trying my best to be a good wife, mom, daughter, christian, advocate and friend, but this week is going to be extremely hard, so please help me through.</em><br />
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<em>I love you so much, we all do, and you are so missed. I just want you here with me....in my arms....</em><br />
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<em>Love, Mommy</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-86397111366193107172012-01-24T18:00:00.000-08:002012-01-24T18:00:51.259-08:00What not to say to a grieving Mom with love....<a href="http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12951512/happiness-and-sadness-can-co-exist" style="font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Happiness and Sadness can co-exist.</a><br />
by: <a href="http://www.xtranormal.com/profile/7671758" target="_blank">dusty999</a><br />
<iframe border="0" frameborder="0" id="xtranormal_Happiness and Sadness can co-exist." marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" name="xtranormal_Happiness and Sadness can co-exist." scrolling="auto" src="http://www.xtranormal.com/xtraplayr/12951512/happiness-and-sadness-can-co-exist" style="height: 389px; width: 640px;"></iframe><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.xtranormal.com%2Fwatch%2F12951512&h=gAQEcIEeNAQE3f_eqxRztWJrYN6LVytNgGGmTN6F93_mALw"></a>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-25046425916203549862012-01-14T19:39:00.000-08:002012-01-14T19:39:41.179-08:00Before and After, Honest, raw emotions from a grieving mother.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD4M2XC0pN9rolQ98kx9m5AU_2yX3gn5aqzcU5yl8Dkp1coEhYW_70FKYakdREslQnEkjzTiybjqO4WfnXM_w6xpItxJc3grBavNb04kPEnQEgBtSHlVHpZqiZEUxUbV0VYL1jC_7fuA/s1600/Avery%2527s+Butterflies+Tree+Event+photo%2527s+by+Denise+Muncie+329.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" kba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD4M2XC0pN9rolQ98kx9m5AU_2yX3gn5aqzcU5yl8Dkp1coEhYW_70FKYakdREslQnEkjzTiybjqO4WfnXM_w6xpItxJc3grBavNb04kPEnQEgBtSHlVHpZqiZEUxUbV0VYL1jC_7fuA/s320/Avery%2527s+Butterflies+Tree+Event+photo%2527s+by+Denise+Muncie+329.jpg" width="212" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>I have had so many ask questions, I thought it was time to answer and this is the best way I knew how:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>What it’s like in the day and life of a grieving Mom and what it use to be like?</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You wake up, innocence intact.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You wake up and think, “Do I really have a child that died?”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You wake your child up to start the day.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You worry is my child ok?”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You fix breakfast and talk about the start of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the day.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You see the empty chair that should be filled.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You take your child shopping and going down the baby isle is no big deal."</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You wonder if you can keep it together and not cry at the sight of diapers.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You enjoyed your baby’s cries and trying to figure out why they are crying.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You hear cry’s in the night only realizing, your mind is playing tricks on you and you feel like you are going crazy only to learn there is really such a think as phantom crying.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You were waking up to cries in the night to feed a hungry baby.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: “You are waking up because you had a bad dream, only realizing it wasn’t a bad dream, this is real.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “When your breast milk came in it was wonderful.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your breast milk comes in and there is no baby to feed and when a baby cries, your body does the same thing it produces more.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You see other pregnant women and think how wonderful.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You try not to look, it’s painful and you wonder has she ever experienced a loss, does she know how lucky she is?”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “When someone ask, how many kids you have, you proudly say x amount.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You wonder when you meet someone new, are they going to ask, how many and there is this internal struggle are they going to ask and if they do, you say x amount.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then you wonder? Are they going to ask how old and then you say one is such and such and one is in heaven?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It was so easy to enter a party or meet new people.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You wonder how uncomfortable they are going to be if they do ask, because for most of us, not all, but for most of us, we answer the normal questions people ask, are you married, how many children and now you say one’s in heaven and then there’s the uncomfortable stare, like Oh my god, and some just walk away and you are left standing there, thinking, why couldn’t she just say I’m sorry instead of just walking away?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your child never had a fear of dying.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She or he knows all too well, that death is real, that babies die and not just old people, part of their innocence is lost and that hurts even more.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You never had a fear of going to baby showers.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now: “Should I go? Or do you not? Of course you want to share in their joy, but you know just what can happen and you don’t want to spoil their innocence’s because when they look at you, they know just what can happen.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You hung pictures of living children on your walls.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Friends can’t understand, why you would want a picture of your dead child on your wall, it is because that’s all we have.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You kept pictures of living children in your purse.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You have a picture of both and people look at you like you’re crazy that you carry around a picture of your dead child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come to a meeting and ask every mom there to see a picture of their children, they have both, living and dead and you have a sigh of relief, I am not the only one.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;"><span><em>Before: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your smile was so bright.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;"><span><em>Now: "You wonder if your smile will ever be that bright again."</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You were surrounded by friends.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: “You feel like you have a contagious disease.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Everyone knew just what to say to you.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: “They are afraid to say the wrong thing and you are afraid of hearing it. Also, you are afraid you have made them uncomfortable.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You could see children the same age as your living child and think how cute.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You think that’s what my child would be doing.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You laughed after a night out with friends.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now: “You still laugh, but you wonder what’s it’s like to be “normal” again, to not be the Mother of a dead child.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You were invited to lots of parties.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: “ If friends know there’s going to be a child there the same age as your child would have been they chose who to invite, but for the one’s that truly care, they still invite you , but warn you ahead of time, there’s going to be a baby their the same age as your son/daughter would have been.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Dates on the calendar were just that.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: “The day your child dies, is imbedded in your brain forever, your body physically reacts to the days before the number on the calendar without even having to look at the calendar.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You would think I can’t imagine what that family is going through.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You know what that family is going through.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You weren’t terrified if your husband and child were late from the store.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“If there late or your husband forgets his phone it sends you into a panic.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You were the Mom of living children.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You’re that Mom that everyone looks at with that look, she’s the one who lost her child.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You cleaned your house.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You are dusting off your child’s urn.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: “You never worried about your house burning down.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You worry, your house is going to burn and the clothes, blankets, and hat your child was wearing the day they were born are going to disappear.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You could handle people saying everything happens for a reason.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You want to punch someone when they say your child died for a reason.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You could laugh and not feel guilty.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The first time you laughed you start to cry because you feel guilty for laughing, but in time you give yourself the gift of laughter again, but it’s a long road.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: "You had friends."</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now: "You realize how lucky you are to have friends who still walk by your side to this day."</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I was Jennifer Davis, a wife and a mom.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I am Jennifer Davis, a wife, a mom; I am that Mom who had to cremate her child.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hug me, reach out to me, I need you even more now, I can’t promise I am the same person you knew before, but if we walk this together you can help me discover the new me and see all the good I am doing in Avery’s name and you just might even love me more.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Before:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“February 10<sup>th</sup> was just another day.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span><em>Now:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You realize that’s the day your life changed forever.”</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;"><span><em>Love, Jennifer</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-53886127226197262282012-01-07T09:10:00.000-08:002012-01-07T09:10:14.218-08:00My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!<em>Last night was a horrible bout with my stomach issues and I am still recovering from last night and my beautiful daughter made me a homemade gift bag with several notes inside, I just had to share. Abby's handmade notes touched my heart tremendously, they were so heartfelt, genuine and loving. I shed tears, but tears of joy, Abby Estelle, you give me so much joy and the reason I have so much happiness in my life. Thank you Abby you are my shining Miracle!!!!</em><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm9aOlE5hS9W1WcSue5GTySRYVq9cW02H7wHfYj-uyPkqpBKre3lKPgO01shLMs4loRJ8kT8qMmHyVx-3nHO05QciY9Xhu_jTZMI7vZvPY0qeMwc9fGF13kIby_puQ2s4wICqNhhxIGQ/s1600/abby4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm9aOlE5hS9W1WcSue5GTySRYVq9cW02H7wHfYj-uyPkqpBKre3lKPgO01shLMs4loRJ8kT8qMmHyVx-3nHO05QciY9Xhu_jTZMI7vZvPY0qeMwc9fGF13kIby_puQ2s4wICqNhhxIGQ/s320/abby4.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>Abby's Homemade Gift Bag made from scratch some paper, staples and a heart and the best gift ever!!!</em></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikshesMsqdKTyrgB3Wp1O_gyAZgPGHeNiiwNcbLWgl_h6NLCsE0WFsINRfFe1Vbqi4Ydl9i71q9lDfyoOBvppvP_2PC-zZpfk5cTjERw1W-EziKIroDRyRWq0aVzHeaethfx9n1u1zDw/s1600/abby7.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikshesMsqdKTyrgB3Wp1O_gyAZgPGHeNiiwNcbLWgl_h6NLCsE0WFsINRfFe1Vbqi4Ydl9i71q9lDfyoOBvppvP_2PC-zZpfk5cTjERw1W-EziKIroDRyRWq0aVzHeaethfx9n1u1zDw/s320/abby7.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>So incredibly special, I love you Mom. I'm sorry about your stomach, Love, Abby</em></div><div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUpiwDy_y_jkVaOAqbsDKpj8fsfSRLWqGSJgJxI5VXtsnt69PmkAD7NRnAL96WKoBwS21pBJ2vuXSaQLx6qO31vDATZYZ4HXDLZC_nJS7jhyphenhyphenIUt56I5cJStldRpq7TXSoLguNWQ9JwdA/s1600/abby6.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUpiwDy_y_jkVaOAqbsDKpj8fsfSRLWqGSJgJxI5VXtsnt69PmkAD7NRnAL96WKoBwS21pBJ2vuXSaQLx6qO31vDATZYZ4HXDLZC_nJS7jhyphenhyphenIUt56I5cJStldRpq7TXSoLguNWQ9JwdA/s320/abby6.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>And the one that made me cry tears of joy, Mommy you are so special to me, I can't describe how much I love you, well she just did, my rock, Love you Abby Estelle!</em></div>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-55189219804477486592012-01-05T14:17:00.000-08:002012-01-05T16:08:21.751-08:00A normal doctors appointment for most, the day in the life of a grieving mom<em>Well I had a doctors appointment yesterday and did not realize until the night before that it was in the same building where Avery had passed. If I had known this I more than likely would have rescheduled and it's not about avoiding pain, it's about protecting my heart, because when I can, I try. Part of me thought OK, they have to be on different floors right? So, Jim met me there, but he was a bit late, so I am sitting there trying not to look at the building, the very building my son passed. Jim arrives we go in together and guess what they are on the same floor. So all the memories come rushing back, I feel my face is getting red and flushed. (I can still remember the clothes I had on that day, 02/09/10, purple silk maternity top one of my favorites with a paisley top design and maternity jeans and my black clogs and black socks.) We go to the 2nd floor and as soon as we get off there to the right is the door to Sweeney's office, the very door I went in anticipating my last ultrasound before Our Avery was to be born, deep breath, deep breath. We walk to the left and go into the doctor I am seeing, there are 2 waiting rooms. I feel like cattle, going from one room to another. Why, am I there, because I am being "prepped" to what testing I have to have done to make sure I don't have colon cancer. I am having GI bleeding here and there and told it's just a precautionary, just to make sure since my grandfather died from it and a history of precancerous polyps in my family, so there I am in the exam room, then they move me to another exam room and we go through all my symptoms and I am asked has my weight changed and I say yes, gained or loss, well I sit there and ponder, well I haven't lost, but I haven't gained ,it's the same as when I came home from the hospital, so I tell her, I never lost the weight from my still born son, there is no I'm sorry, I apologize for the tears starting to flow, (why I apologize I have no idea), and she says that's OK. So we go over all the testing I have to have done and then we are taken to another exam room, hence the cattle, I feel like a number. I don't want to be here, I don't want to have this testing done, but I know I need too. I never had a fear of dying before, until after we lost Avery, now I am scared, the thought of leaving Abby destroys me inside and no I am not being negative, but once you lose a child, you know "what" can happen in life and you realize every second is precious. So the test is scheduled for the end of the month, they had nothing sooner. So just something else to worry about and I will try not too, but it is what it is. So we walk out and there is a women on the phone with her husband I assume, about how great her appointment went and how the baby is doing and happy she is, I want to cry, I hold back the tears, until on the way home. I am in my truck, bawling my eye's out, I don't want to be sad, damn it, I want to be happy, and part of me is sad, because why couldn't the doctor say I am sorry you had a still born child, I want to be on my way home to picking up 2 children from Renee's house. I am thankful Renee ask me to sit for a while, she cheered me up and it wasn't necessarily about the conversation it was just about feeling loved by her and she made me laugh. On the way home, Abby got quiet and I asked what's wrong, "I am worried about you, are you going to be OK?" Of course I tell her you know how strong mommy is, we will get through this testing and hopefully they will be able to fix me all up.</em><br />
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<em>So praying this is true, because I want to live well into my 90's, I miss Avery and I can't wait to hold him again, but I have a heck of a lot more living to do. So last night, I held Abby a little closer, but honestly don't know how that's possible, lol, but I did. I am thankful for my husband for going with me and thankful for Renee for watching my beautiful little girl and I am thankful for my mom who will be taking me for the testing, I am thankful for life, I am thankful for my family, friends and praying that my little Avery will be sending healing to me and that nothing is wrong and that this truly is precautionary testing.</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-70214117909465439512011-12-31T14:34:00.000-08:002011-12-31T14:34:45.734-08:00Missing Me and Ringing in the New Year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Nx3vFJZClT4/Tv-II529POI/AAAAAAAAAEk/AWJKFUQMT1k/s1600/face1.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" rea="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Nx3vFJZClT4/Tv-II529POI/AAAAAAAAAEk/AWJKFUQMT1k/s200/face1.bmp" width="200" /></a></div><em>Missing me,</em><br />
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<em>I look at this picture and I remember how joyful I was, I had just gotten my hair done and loved it, I felt beautiful. I want her back, if you find her can you bring her back to me? I miss her so much, I want to go back and hug her and tell her you have no idea what your in store for, That within 10 months from now you will be cremating your 1st son, your life will change forever. I don't know if it's the new year, or realizing that your 2nd birthday isn't that far away, or that friends who were apart of my life are no longer there. I went through all the cards I had gotten when you passed away, there were so many wonderful, beautiful comments from so many, and how much they loved me and promised to call or set up play dates with Ab's and I. Well those phone calls never came. I had the unique opportunity of speaking to someone and they said, quite bluntly, I might add it's because they look at you and they see your tragedy of losing your son and that's why I/we couldn't be around you, it just made me/us too sad. Um, don't you think I was/am sad too? I didn't know whether to punch this person or to hug them for their honesty. We don't forget our children, and we don't have closure, we don't have a peace as to why they died, we have to learn how to live again and no I am not sad all the time, but am I sad? Of course, am I happy? Of course, I am both. Please stop telling me I have to have closure, closure means closing that chapter of my life and that isnt' something I can do, I held Avery in my arms, I smelt his skin, I wrapped his fingers around mine and peace, yes I have peace in my life, but it doesn't mean I have peace with his death, I honestly don't know if that will ever exist, and I am always told this from someone who has never lost a child. My nightmares are back too, so I know that's not helping, every time I close my eyes I keep relieving your birth over and over again. I feel like I am falling and there is no one to catch me. I am tired all the time, I am tired of grieving, no-one ever talks about the physical pain you feel when you lose a child as well, your tired, your forgetful, your scattered, your exhausted from the new worries of losing your other child. You maybe reading this and thinking oh my, she's losing it, no I am not, I am just being honest about grief and the tole it takes on you. Grief has reared it's ugly head I like to say, it's got a hold of me, so I guess I just have to go with the flow and ride it out, but it sure would be nice to have a friend call and ask me how I am doing, but then again I think maybe it's too exhausting being my friend too, there are so many highs and lows and I am sorry if I sound so depressed and down, but I am. So tonight we are going to light a candle for my little man because this means another year is passing without you and I know how blessed I am to have Abby in my life and it's a balancing act of "how much do I grieve in front of her?", "how much do I hold back?" So here comes 2012, I want to embrace it with open arms, but just for one day, I sure would like to have that smile back.</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-60185586031242382152011-12-29T19:53:00.000-08:002011-12-29T19:56:13.082-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X9kiQDVQ1y8/Tv008IjzLBI/AAAAAAAAAEY/vSVGVPKo9L4/s1600/Happy+New+Year+2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X9kiQDVQ1y8/Tv008IjzLBI/AAAAAAAAAEY/vSVGVPKo9L4/s320/Happy+New+Year+2012.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><em>Dear Avery,</em><br />
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<em>I am in a funk, and I don't how to get out of it, I know somehow I will, but this is what grief is, it comes in waves and this one is certainly taking me under. I miss you so much, there are so many reasons I could list to tell you why I miss you, but you had the best seat in the house, you can read my heart, because that's what you heard for 9 months and you have the best seat in heaven, surrounding us all with love, but I want you here, with me, with us, in my arms.</em><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;"><em>Miss you my little man, miss you so very much.</em></div>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-77104825231746089622011-12-26T16:12:00.000-08:002011-12-26T16:12:41.950-08:00Sinking in...<em>Yesterday was an overall good day, except for a mishap with hair dye!!! I enjoyed watching Abby opening presents from Santa and the joy in her eyes. There is still that overwhelming feeling that Avery is not here with us. There are intense moments of happiness and intense moments of sadness, I feel so isolated in speaking about my loss on facebook now, and maybe it's me, but when I comment on there, there are so little remarks left behind. I wonder if family and friends think I should be over him now? Besides Jim, my mom was the only one who had mentioned Avery and how much she missed him, other than that I brought him up and of course Abby wished her little brother was here too. My heart is heavy tonight, I miss him so much. There is a strength marked behind tears they say and I shed plenty of them late last night, it all sinks in, you are gone, we keep ourselves so busy and then when things quiet down the silence sinks in....and then there's the other part of me, I should still be pregnant and only about 4 months or so to go....I am feeling doubtful about another miracle coming into our lives, but the thought of never holding a live baby in my arms tears me to the core..... I am hurting and this sucks, there is no way around it, but it sucks. I don't like this feeling, part of me wants it to go away, part of me wants to fight back at it, the rational side of me knows I need to go through this, I need to actively grieve and what I really need is for you to be here in my arms. In my mind I want to go back to Marco Drive and just pretend life is normal again, where I painted the beautiful poem upon Abby's wall and visions of your crib in the bedroom across from hers, when I still felt you kick. I don't want to look at babies in awe and think why me? why me? I want to celebrate life each and everyday, I want to rejoice and there are moments I do, but my heart aches so. I want my family and friends just to bring him up, just because...not because I did. </em><br />
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<em>I don't want to be told everyone handles grief differently from someone who's never lost a child, and I pray they never will. I just want you back, here with me..with us...I want to hear your little cries and coos...I just want you!</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-3581828225914914322011-12-24T08:14:00.000-08:002011-12-24T08:18:51.825-08:00Dear Avery.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a1srwACuk7c/TvX2ZUByOuI/AAAAAAAAAEM/QFI4CJWShuE/s1600/MissingAvery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" rea="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a1srwACuk7c/TvX2ZUByOuI/AAAAAAAAAEM/QFI4CJWShuE/s320/MissingAvery.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><em>Last night I was filled with sadness. My heart, my mind and my arms physically ached for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many tell me you are here with me, just look all around and I do feel you, but I want you physically here with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to feel your skin against mine, I want to smell your baby smell, I want to hear your cries and laughter in excitement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I long for you in my arms, I long for your hugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep telling myself this is going to get easier, but the pain still physically brings me to my knees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is not a day, a moment when you are not in my heart, my breath, my life. I miss you so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You would have been 22 months old this Christmas. I can picture you running out with Abby, hand in hand, her guiding you to the tree and I can see the sparkle in your eyes and the delight of you and Abby opening presents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so sad inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t understand why you died, nor will I ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days, I don’t know how I get out of bed,but I know why I do, because of my beautiful little girl that I have been so blessed with and her pain overwhelms me at times too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just came to me yesterday and said, “Mommy, all I want for Christmas is my brother.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to go back to February 10<sup>th</sup>, just to hold you again, to breathe you in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I am grieving for so many things, friends that use to be in my life that aren't and I know it’s because you died. I have been told that’s all they see when they look at me, the loss of you, well I am sorry, but I can’t go back and if I could I would because going back would mean you will still be alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am trying, but the old me is gone, so I mourn for her too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look at my smile back then; it’s full of shine, brightness and innocence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My eyes are not quite as blue. That is all gone since you passed and that doesn’t mean I don’t feel happiness in my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Abby’s kisses, her hugs, her excitement for life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So God if you are listening, I need you more than anything right now because my heart is split in two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joy of life and the beauty in my daughter’s eyes, and the heartache and pain of having to cremate a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shouldn’t be dusting your urn, I should be picking up your little trucks and trains strewn all over the floor and God I know that he is your little boy in heaven, but I need him so much more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder on Christmas day, if anyone will ask about you and what I want more than anything is for someone to say, we miss him too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><em>You’re my angel Avery and will always be, and God has enough Angels up there, so won’t you come back home to me?</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"> </div>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-66951744628768385072011-12-22T15:22:00.000-08:002011-12-22T15:22:05.053-08:00An Unexpected Visit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QpwUdY0zB5s/TvO5kc6niAI/AAAAAAAAAEA/IMhUskHCs-0/s1600/avery87" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QpwUdY0zB5s/TvO5kc6niAI/AAAAAAAAAEA/IMhUskHCs-0/s320/avery87" width="263" /></a></div><br />
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<em>I had an unexpected visit today from my wonderful friend Darlene. She stopped by to drop off some Butterflies she had picked up for me. It put a smile on my face and the best part was her card, and how much she feels blessed to be Avery's Godmother. That makes my heart sing!!!! It's getting closer to Christmas and there is both sadness and happiness in my heart. I can't wait to see Abby's blue eyes light up full of excitement when she comes out Christmas morning to opening her gifts and the sadness of not having her little brother running out with her. There should be gifts on each side, a set for her, a set for him. So today I am going to bask in the joy that my friend put in my heart today. Thank you for sticking by me and allowing me to grieve openly with you, you are appreciated in so many ways. Avery is also proud of you for being his Godmother and the perfect timing of his hello when you ran into my father, because we know how often my dad goes to a craft store, lol.</em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5797383816858540090.post-14067501547033966552011-12-21T17:00:00.000-08:002011-12-21T20:14:44.468-08:00My journey of life, raising a beautiful daughter with feet and continuing to keep my son's spirit alive within me each and everyday, and trying to get the courage to talk about Faith Marie.<em>I have decided to start a blog, I recently went through a horrible ordeal with someone telling me I should stop talking about my son on facebook and I will be honest it ripped me to the core. So, I will still post here and there on facebook, but I thought why not start a blog that way my friends and family who truely want to hear how I am doing can see it here. </em><br />
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<em>My journey started 7 years ago when I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter Abby Estelle-Marie, she has brought so much joy, laughter and love to our lives. Everyone searches for their place in this world and when I had her, I found it. When Abby was around 1 we found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child, we were overjoyed and elated and I was thinking, "Oh, my I am going to have 2 children under the age of 2! Shortly after, 8/9 weeks into my pregnancy I miscarried and had to have a d&c. I remember waking from the anesthesia and crying I want my baby, I want my baby. I never realized how much of a journey this would be. I didn't talk alot about my miscarriage I was quiet, kept most of the pain to myself and told myself someday we will try again. We did and as usual we got pregnant on the 1st try, and miscarried 2 weeks later and was told it was a "chemical" pregnancy, that the egg never took. I was sad, but was ok, I wasn't discouraged at all. So we tried again and I told myself over and over this time he or she is going to make it and the pregnancy was going along quite beautifully, morning sickness, happiness. Then one night during a horrific storm, a power outage and the road I lived on being completely closed because utility wires were down, I miscarried, this tiny, tiny baby. I remember looking down upon my hands and screaming for Jim, "Jim, this isn't what I think it is, right?" Although I knew, she was so tiny, tiny hands, feet, eyes, mouth and nose. We stood there in disbelief trying to hold it together for Abby, to young to understand what was going on. I couldn't go to the hospital there was no way to get there, what started with joy end with me in the pitch black on my porch crying my eyes out, "this can't be happening again," it just can't. We named her Faith Marie. I still again didn't talk much about this pregnancy with anyone I kept most of it inside and never knew about any support groups on line or off. I carried the pain with me deep within. So after miscarrying 3 times, I told Jim we have to fiquire out what is wrong, so we went and saw a fertility specialist and was finally given a diagnosis and told use Lovenox, inject yourself once a day and you will have your miracle. So, with a lot of thought and prayer we decided to go along this journey of trying again and sure enough we got pregnant on the 1st try. I was so, so happy, I knew this time, he or she is going to make it. I remember July 4th, sitting in my daughters playhouse with her, knowing I was pregnant but it was too soon to share the news. I was smiling from ear to ear. I did as I was told Lovenox in the belly everyday, faithfully until.....the day my son died. I remember joking on the way to the doctors appointment that I was going to go into labor because the snow was coming down hard, little did I know how true that would be. Sitting in the doctors office all 3 of us, overjoyed about bringing a little boy home soon not knowing all the while he was dying inside of me. Avery was to be delivered early, so I was only a week and 1/2 away from my delivery date. Walking down the hallway into the sonogram room to make sure he was right on schedule, the sonographer started the sonogram and I knew within seconds, I so non-chalantly asked, "is he dead?", now I realize that is what shock is. The next day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, we named Avery Michael, 10 fingers, 10 toes, beautiful blue eyes, tiny nose and a lip that curled just like Abby's. (Avery passed because of cord strangulation, the cord was wrapped 3 times around his neck) This journey has been a a long and painful one. I have since miscarried twice since Avery passed and just as you may be thinking, are you crazy, "why would you continue to try?", because love is love and I am just a mom who's dreams were to have a housefull of children. So during the midst of my grieving I started a support group Avery's Butterflies, so for now I have typed enough. So if your out there, this is my life, my journey through happiness and pain. I am both happy and sad, and know this is my life, so if you are willing, please share my journey with me. </em>Abby and Avery's Butterflieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13226935368823391033noreply@blogger.com9