Saturday, December 31, 2011
Missing Me and Ringing in the New Year
I look at this picture and I remember how joyful I was, I had just gotten my hair done and loved it, I felt beautiful. I want her back, if you find her can you bring her back to me? I miss her so much, I want to go back and hug her and tell her you have no idea what your in store for, That within 10 months from now you will be cremating your 1st son, your life will change forever. I don't know if it's the new year, or realizing that your 2nd birthday isn't that far away, or that friends who were apart of my life are no longer there. I went through all the cards I had gotten when you passed away, there were so many wonderful, beautiful comments from so many, and how much they loved me and promised to call or set up play dates with Ab's and I. Well those phone calls never came. I had the unique opportunity of speaking to someone and they said, quite bluntly, I might add it's because they look at you and they see your tragedy of losing your son and that's why I/we couldn't be around you, it just made me/us too sad. Um, don't you think I was/am sad too? I didn't know whether to punch this person or to hug them for their honesty. We don't forget our children, and we don't have closure, we don't have a peace as to why they died, we have to learn how to live again and no I am not sad all the time, but am I sad? Of course, am I happy? Of course, I am both. Please stop telling me I have to have closure, closure means closing that chapter of my life and that isnt' something I can do, I held Avery in my arms, I smelt his skin, I wrapped his fingers around mine and peace, yes I have peace in my life, but it doesn't mean I have peace with his death, I honestly don't know if that will ever exist, and I am always told this from someone who has never lost a child. My nightmares are back too, so I know that's not helping, every time I close my eyes I keep relieving your birth over and over again. I feel like I am falling and there is no one to catch me. I am tired all the time, I am tired of grieving, no-one ever talks about the physical pain you feel when you lose a child as well, your tired, your forgetful, your scattered, your exhausted from the new worries of losing your other child. You maybe reading this and thinking oh my, she's losing it, no I am not, I am just being honest about grief and the tole it takes on you. Grief has reared it's ugly head I like to say, it's got a hold of me, so I guess I just have to go with the flow and ride it out, but it sure would be nice to have a friend call and ask me how I am doing, but then again I think maybe it's too exhausting being my friend too, there are so many highs and lows and I am sorry if I sound so depressed and down, but I am. So tonight we are going to light a candle for my little man because this means another year is passing without you and I know how blessed I am to have Abby in my life and it's a balancing act of "how much do I grieve in front of her?", "how much do I hold back?" So here comes 2012, I want to embrace it with open arms, but just for one day, I sure would like to have that smile back.