Thursday, July 5, 2012
July 4th, so I made it through, another year without you. Every July I dip into a deep depression since you had passed away and I really fought with all my might not to this year and in some ways I did. I wasn't as sad as I usually get, I was able to get out of bed and function and kept myself pretty busy which helped tremendously, but there are those moments that still bring you to your knees, that you are gone and no matter how much crying I do, you are never coming back. I miss making a tye dye shirt with you, your sister has such joy in that every year and there are moments that she asks Mommy, why and that just breaks my heart in two. I can handle my grief I know what to do, but to watch Abby cry out for you or see her in pain is so difficult, because I know there is nothing I can do to fix this and that makes me sad for my Mom, knowing that in her heart to see me in pain. I invited friends this year for tye dye day, something I haven't done for the last 2 years and that felt good and I hope to continue year after year as I so have traditionally done. I went to my friend Darlene's house as I have done since you passed but have never made it through to the fireworks, the thought of you in my arms holding your little ears from the loud noises and seeing your little eyes in delight was just too painful, but this year was different. I had to be strong for Ab's and it wasn't as difficult as I thought. For years I have shed myself from certain pains and I truly believe, protect your heart when you can, but this year, I knew I was stronger and I had Ab's in my lap and watching her delight was amazing and just before fireworks were to start, there out of the blue there was a sky lantern in the sky and of course it made me think of you, but not with sadness but fondness because I know that was you, saying, "Mom, I am alright!" Grief is a funny thing, it comes in waves and some days stronger than others and some days the water is calm, this doesn't mean I don't miss you any less...There is not a day that goes by that your not thought of, loved, wanted and missed. So I am giving myself a pat on the back, yes this year I did it, and some may think really, July 4th, fireworks, what's the big deal, but to a grieving mother it is a big deal. Every moment, celebration, birthday, anniversary is another moment without you and oh I wish I could mend this broken heart....part of it will be broken forever. I love you so much, so I hope you are proud of me, your father and your sister for getting through another holiday without you and yes even if it was "just" the 4th of July.