Yesterday was an overall good day, except for a mishap with hair dye!!! I enjoyed watching Abby opening presents from Santa and the joy in her eyes. There is still that overwhelming feeling that Avery is not here with us. There are intense moments of happiness and intense moments of sadness, I feel so isolated in speaking about my loss on facebook now, and maybe it's me, but when I comment on there, there are so little remarks left behind. I wonder if family and friends think I should be over him now? Besides Jim, my mom was the only one who had mentioned Avery and how much she missed him, other than that I brought him up and of course Abby wished her little brother was here too. My heart is heavy tonight, I miss him so much. There is a strength marked behind tears they say and I shed plenty of them late last night, it all sinks in, you are gone, we keep ourselves so busy and then when things quiet down the silence sinks in....and then there's the other part of me, I should still be pregnant and only about 4 months or so to go....I am feeling doubtful about another miracle coming into our lives, but the thought of never holding a live baby in my arms tears me to the core..... I am hurting and this sucks, there is no way around it, but it sucks. I don't like this feeling, part of me wants it to go away, part of me wants to fight back at it, the rational side of me knows I need to go through this, I need to actively grieve and what I really need is for you to be here in my arms. In my mind I want to go back to Marco Drive and just pretend life is normal again, where I painted the beautiful poem upon Abby's wall and visions of your crib in the bedroom across from hers, when I still felt you kick. I don't want to look at babies in awe and think why me? why me? I want to celebrate life each and everyday, I want to rejoice and there are moments I do, but my heart aches so. I want my family and friends just to bring him up, just because...not because I did.
I don't want to be told everyone handles grief differently from someone who's never lost a child, and I pray they never will. I just want you back, here with me..with us...I want to hear your little cries and coos...I just want you!
Beautifully stated Jen...I sending you a big hug! Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Danielle, sending you a big hug as well, Love you!
ReplyDeleteI love that you have started your blog. When i went through IVF I used to read everyones blog. You know this will help someone who is going through the loss of their child to not feel so alone. I think Facebook is tough...sometimes when you dont know what to say you tend to say nothing. I really dont feel anyone would expect you to be over your loss..when i read that you are struggling or having a rough time i just remember to ask your angels to keep you strong and look out for you all. Sorry that it has seemed people dont care, they do. lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteTina, thank you I appreciate it, grief can be very isolating at times, so this is helping me and hearing from a "friend" she was tired of hearing about Avery, kind of threw me into a tailspin of depression, I wish it hadn't, I wish I hadn't given her that power over me to get me that upset, so I thought why not blog about my true, raw feelings. I appreciate you taking the time out to read this, means alot. Love, Me
ReplyDeleteIt saddens me that such an evil person could do that to you. We love you and are supporting you in this journey no matter how long it takes.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what.
Love you.
Honestly, I don't feel comfortable communicating feelings on Facebook. I feel much safer here. So you are helping everyone!
Thank you, Mindy. I don't feel so comfortable there either anymore, so I thought I would try this, I love to write and my life is real, we have talked about this before life has it's ups and downs and losing Avery will be a part of me forever and this my journey I will be on for the rest of my life so praying I can help someone out there with the struggles of losing a baby. Love, Me
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