My journey of life, raising a beautiful daughter with feet and continuing to keep my son's spirit alive within me each and everyday, and trying to get the courage to talk about Faith Marie.

I have decided to start a blog, I recently went through a horrible ordeal with someone telling me I should stop talking about my son on facebook and I will be honest it ripped me to the core.  So, I will still post here and there on facebook, but I thought why not start a blog that way my friends and family who truely want to hear how I am doing can see it here. 

My journey started 7 years ago when I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter Abby Estelle-Marie, she has brought so much joy, laughter and love to our lives.  Everyone searches for their place in this world and when I had her, I found it.  When Abby was around 1  we found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child, we were overjoyed and elated and I was thinking, "Oh, my I am going to have 2 children under the age of 2!  Shortly after, 8/9 weeks into my pregnancy I miscarried and had to have a d&c.  I remember waking from the anesthesia and crying I want my baby, I want my baby.  I never realized how much of a journey this would be.  I didn't talk alot about my miscarriage I was quiet, kept most of the pain to myself and told myself someday we will try again.  We did and as usual we got pregnant on the 1st try, and miscarried 2 weeks later and was told it was a "chemical" pregnancy, that the egg never took.  I was sad, but was ok, I wasn't discouraged at all.  So we tried again and I told myself over and over this time he or she is going to make it and the pregnancy was going along quite beautifully, morning sickness, happiness.  Then one night during a horrific storm, a power outage and the road I lived on being completely closed because utility wires were down, I miscarried, this tiny, tiny baby.  I remember looking down upon my hands and screaming for Jim, "Jim, this isn't what I think it is, right?"  Although I knew, she was so tiny, tiny hands, feet, eyes, mouth and nose.  We stood there in disbelief trying to hold it together for Abby, to young to understand what was going on.  I couldn't go to the hospital there was no way to get there, what started with joy end with me in the pitch black on my porch crying my eyes out, "this can't be happening again," it just can't. We named her Faith Marie. I still again didn't talk much about this pregnancy with anyone I kept most of it inside and never knew about any support groups on line or off.  I carried the pain with me deep within.  So after miscarrying 3 times, I told Jim we have to fiquire out what is wrong, so we went and saw a fertility specialist and was finally given a diagnosis and told use Lovenox, inject yourself once a day and you will have your miracle.  So, with a lot of thought and prayer we decided to go along this journey of trying again and sure enough we got pregnant on the 1st try.  I was so, so happy, I knew this time, he or she is going to make it.  I remember July 4th, sitting in my daughters playhouse with her, knowing I was pregnant but it was too soon to share the news.  I was smiling from ear to ear.  I did as I was told Lovenox in the belly everyday, faithfully until.....the day my son died.  I remember joking on the way to the doctors appointment that I was going to go into labor because the snow was coming down hard, little did I know how true that would be.  Sitting in the doctors office all 3 of us, overjoyed about bringing a little boy home soon not knowing all the while he was dying inside of me. Avery was to be delivered early, so I was only a week and 1/2 away from my delivery date.  Walking down the hallway into the sonogram room to make sure he was right on schedule, the sonographer started the sonogram and I knew within seconds, I so non-chalantly asked, "is he dead?", now I realize that is what shock is.  The next day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, we named Avery Michael, 10 fingers, 10 toes, beautiful blue eyes, tiny nose and a lip that curled just like Abby's. (Avery passed because of cord strangulation, the cord was wrapped 3 times around his neck)  This journey has been a a long and painful one.  I have since miscarried twice since Avery passed and just as you may be thinking, are you crazy, "why would you continue to try?", because love is love and I am just a mom who's dreams were to have a housefull of children.  So during the midst of my grieving I started a support group Avery's Butterflies, so for now I have typed enough.  So if your out there, this is my life, my journey through happiness and pain.  I am both happy and sad, and know this is my life, so if you are willing, please share my journey with me.