Life....

There are moments I feel so much happiness in my heart, finding myself truly smiling again and enjoying the simple joys in life, my daughter, my husband, spending time with my mom, my dad, my brother and the special friends in my life.  These are extremely happy moments, but part of me still constantly aches for you.  There are days I feel so strong and then someone asks me a question or I have to fill out a form at a doctors office, how many live pregnancies have you had, that I just want to crawl in a hole and cry.  I still think about you everyday and wonder how talkative you would be, how fast you would be running, what you and your sister would be doing?  My dad being in the hospital made everything resurface again, how precious life is, how in a matter of seconds life changes.  We are blessed he is ok, but it did shake me up quite a bit.  It brought me to wonder about my own mortality and this blood clotting disorder I have, I want to live a long, long life.  I want to see and experience everyday of Abby's life because I know where you are, you are taken care of and happy.  Abby I feel this need to protect her everyway that I can, and I know there are moments I won't be able to. I can still remember holding you in my arms, your toes, your hands, your nose, your lip that curled just like Abby's, the thought that my body didn't protect you, the very cord that brought you life, ended your physical life, the thought brings me to my knees, literally. I want to be celebrating St. Patty's Day with you, I want to be a mom juggling 2 living kids, but now I am a mom juggling being the best mom I can be to Abby and juggling being the best mom to you.  Many I am sure wonder why would you think that, he's gone?  Because, he is my son and I want nothing more than for him to be proud of me, for when it's time for me to embrace him again, I want to hear his sweet little voice say, Mommy I am proud of you.

I love you Abby, I love you Faith (and I am trying Faith to start to talk about you) and I love you Avery and miss you so very much.

My Husband's grief....

Dear Jimmy,

Today I am reflecting upon your grief and it pains, me.  I have friends I talk to and I still feel so lonely at times. I can't imagine the pain you carry within.  You were right by my side for every appointment, gave me my shots everyday and watched Avery being born, I told you not to look  until they unwrapped the cord, but you insisted and I know you still continuously have nightmares about that.  I can still remember when people would call the house or stop by asking you how was I? Only a very few asked how you were, and I still remember you asking, "Jen, don't they realize I lost him too?"  Why are men expected to be strong, what does strong exactly mean?  Does that mean men aren't suppose to cry or grieve, why are women given permission?  I don't understand it and never will.  Does being strong mean holding your grief in?  We need to change how other's view the grief of a man and that is a venture I hope and pray you will find in your heart to do?  That you will have the strength one day to speak up and on another note, it kills me inside that your sisters havent' called in 2 years to see how you are doing, it's almost like you been written off.  Don't they want to know what Avery looked like, their nephew or how Abby is doing, they are missing out on so much. She is one beautiful, smart, little girl.  Are they not the least bit curious to see how you are doing?  Jim you are such a loving, caring, sweet and fabulous husband, you are my best friend, you have seen me at my worst and I have seen you at yours and I am proud we have weathered so many storms together and still stand side by side.  Marriages aren't perfect, people aren't perfect, but we have always remained together through thick and thin, when most couples don't survive the loss of a child, and the other ups and downs we have been through,  they tend to go their seperate ways according to statitics.  Jim I am sorry for the pain you carry in your heart as well and if I could take it away, I would, but thank you for traveling this journey with me and not leaving my side. I love you Jimmy Charles Davis Jr. and always will.

Love, Me

My speech I gave at Avery's Butterflies Quarter Auction

I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I would like to share a little bit about what Avery's Butterflies is about. February 10th, 2010 our lives changed forever, I gave birth to a baby boy Avery Michael born still. The hardest thing was not giving birth, but having to let go knowing I would never physically see him again. Before our last embrace I promised him I would make a difference in this world, at the time not knowing how. The 1st year coming home from the hospital, I had all these thoughts and feelings and grief became very isolating. I realized if I felt all these feelings there had to be other Moms and Dads out there who felt the same. So after Avery's 1st birthday I started Avery's Butterflies, we meet monthly for a safe place to grieve, share, cry and laugh. These meetings mean the world to us, for instance I felt "abnormal" that I carried a picture around with me of Avery and at the meeting I had brought it up and every mom there pulled out a picture of their baby as well, it was an "aha" moment, yes this is "normal", my new normal, "our new "normal". We also hosted our first Tree event in October; in memory of infant loss Remembrance Day and I also go around to hospitals and doctors’ office and emphasize the importance of having a place for couples to go after their loss.


Acknowledgement of our babies short lives may be upsetting to you, you may think the less said the better, but we never knew how how important it would be to tell you about our babies, even though our babies died. You can help us through this difficult journey by letting us talk about our sorrow when we feel the need, allowing us to cry when we want and not pretending that everything is ok, when it's not... It will take time, this is a life long journey but with your support we will make it, so those of you who joined our tree event and came tonight, you are acknowledging our babies, and that means the world to us.

So thank you, our hopes are dreams are becoming possible because of your support, by becoming a nonprofit we will be able to help more families, host more events and I hope to hold conferences not only for moms and dads who have lost, but for physicians, family members and friends on how to be there for Moms and Dads who have lost an infant. So sincerely, we are blessed that you are all here tonight. Special thanks to Kelly for coordinating this quarter auction we are extremely thankful to everyone who donated their time, gifts and money to help make our hopes and dreams come true.

Avery's Butterflies and the week to follow....

Avery's Butterflies hosted our first quarter auction, and I was so touched by the response we had.  The room was filled with so many family and friends and people I didn't even know who came out to support us.  I was truly touched.  I never in my wildest dreams would have expected there not be a seat available.  I am so thankful for so many people, Kelly for organizing everything, my friend Darlene for hosting the bake sale and baking all the goodies, and for my Mom, Stacy, Kelly and Renee for pitching in with the baked items.  Also, everyone who donated to the charity table,my friends, family, I could go on and on... I am just so thankful and this is hard for me, but I am honestly proud of myself for getting up and speaking  into a microphone to over hundred people about Avery's Butterflies and our hopes and dreams for the future, there were tears in the room and for the Moms whom came up to me afterwards and thanked me for having the strength to speak about still birth.  Last week was a whirlwind with so much planning, activities with Abby and so on an so forth....which leads me into the week ahead....

Dear Avery,

Is it OK to say, I am honestly scared of next week, because tonight it is creeping in, I had my first meltdown, realizing in 7 days you would be 2.  I often wonder what you would be into, Thomas The Train? Mickey Mouse? Bob The Builder?  Would you be shy, vivacious, spunky, a momma's boy?  Would your hair still be a light blonde or would it have gotten darker.  I wonder if friends and family think I should be moved on by now and I realize you don't "move on", you "move through" the best way you know how.  I wonder what it would be like to hear my son call my name and how you and Abby would be interacting, she longs for you so much to the extent when she sees a brother and sister, she has asked, "Mommy, why can't that be me?"  I can't tell you what that does to my heart.

I could easily fight the grief and keep it stuffed in, but I know for me it's better to let it out, know matter how much the pain hurts,  I have to, it's still the pain that brings me literally to my knees, it's a physical ache inside my heart. 

Avery, I hope and pray you are proud of me....I am trying my best to be a good wife, mom, daughter, christian, advocate and friend, but this week is going to be extremely hard, so please help me through.

I love you so much, we all do, and you are so missed.  I just want you here with me....in my arms....

Love, Mommy

What not to say to a grieving Mom with love....

Happiness and Sadness can co-exist.
by: dusty999

Before and After, Honest, raw emotions from a grieving mother.

I have had so many ask questions, I thought it was time to answer and this is the best way I knew how: 

What it’s like in the day and life of a grieving Mom and what it use to be like?

Before: “You wake up, innocence intact.”

Now:  You wake up and think, “Do I really have a child that died?”

Before: “You wake your child up to start the day.”

Now:  “You worry is my child ok?”

Before: “You fix breakfast and talk about the start of  the day.”

 Now:  “You see the empty chair that should be filled.”

Before: “You take your child shopping and going down the baby isle is no big deal."

 Now:  “You wonder if you can keep it together and not cry at the sight of diapers.”

Before:  “You enjoyed your baby’s cries and trying to figure out why they are crying.”

Now:  “You hear cry’s in the night only realizing, your mind is playing tricks on you and you feel like you are going crazy only to learn there is really such a think as phantom crying.”

Before:  “You were waking up to cries in the night to feed a hungry baby.”

Now: “You are waking up because you had a bad dream, only realizing it wasn’t a bad dream, this is real.”

Before: “When your breast milk came in it was wonderful.”

 Now:  “Your breast milk comes in and there is no baby to feed and when a baby cries, your body does the same thing it produces more.”

Before: “You see other pregnant women and think how wonderful.”

 Now:  “You try not to look, it’s painful and you wonder has she ever experienced a loss, does she know how lucky she is?”

Before: “When someone ask, how many kids you have, you proudly say x amount.”

Now:  “You wonder when you meet someone new, are they going to ask, how many and there is this internal struggle are they going to ask and if they do, you say x amount.  Then you wonder? Are they going to ask how old and then you say one is such and such and one is in heaven?” 

Before:  “It was so easy to enter a party or meet new people.”

Now:  “You wonder how uncomfortable they are going to be if they do ask, because for most of us, not all, but for most of us, we answer the normal questions people ask, are you married, how many children and now you say one’s in heaven and then there’s the uncomfortable stare, like Oh my god, and some just walk away and you are left standing there, thinking, why couldn’t she just say I’m sorry instead of just walking away?” 

Before:   “Your child never had a fear of dying.”

 Now:  “She or he knows all too well, that death is real, that babies die and not just old people, part of their innocence is lost and that hurts even more.”

Before:  “You never had a fear of going to baby showers.”

 Now: “Should I go? Or do you not? Of course you want to share in their joy, but you know just what can happen and you don’t want to spoil their innocence’s because when they look at you, they know just what can happen.”

Before:  “You hung pictures of living children on your walls.”

Now:   “Friends can’t understand, why you would want a picture of your dead child on your wall, it is because that’s all we have.”

Before:  “You kept pictures of living children in your purse.”

Now:  “You have a picture of both and people look at you like you’re crazy that you carry around a picture of your dead child.  Come to a meeting and ask every mom there to see a picture of their children, they have both, living and dead and you have a sigh of relief, I am not the only one.”

Before:  “Your smile was so bright.”

Now:  "You wonder if your smile will ever be that bright again."

Before: “You were surrounded by friends.”

Now: “You feel like you have a contagious disease.”

Before:  “Everyone knew just what to say to you.”

Now: “They are afraid to say the wrong thing and you are afraid of hearing it. Also, you are afraid you have made them uncomfortable.”

Before: “You could see children the same age as your living child and think how cute.”

Now:  “You think that’s what my child would be doing.”

Before:   “You laughed after a night out with friends.”

 Now: “You still laugh, but you wonder what’s it’s like to be “normal” again, to not be the Mother of a dead child.”

Before: “You were invited to lots of parties.”

Now: “ If friends know there’s going to be a child there the same age as your child would have been they chose who to invite, but for the one’s that truly care, they still invite you , but warn you ahead of time, there’s going to be a baby their the same age as your son/daughter would have been.”

Before:  “Dates on the calendar were just that.”

Now: “The day your child dies, is imbedded in your brain forever, your body physically reacts to the days before the number on the calendar without even having to look at the calendar.”

Before: “You would think I can’t imagine what that family is going through.”

Now:  “You know what that family is going through.”

Before: “You weren’t terrified if your husband and child were late from the store.”

 Now:  “If there late or your husband forgets his phone it sends you into a panic.”

Before:  “You were the Mom of living children.”

 Now:  “You’re that Mom that everyone looks at with that look, she’s the one who lost her child.”

Before:   “You cleaned your house.”

Now:  “You are dusting off your child’s urn.”

Before: “You never worried about your house burning down.”

 Now:  “You worry, your house is going to burn and the clothes, blankets, and hat your child was wearing the day they were born are going to disappear.”

Before:  “You could handle people saying everything happens for a reason.”

Now:  “You want to punch someone when they say your child died for a reason.”

Before:  “You could laugh and not feel guilty.”

Now:  “The first time you laughed you start to cry because you feel guilty for laughing, but in time you give yourself the gift of laughter again, but it’s a long road.”

Before:  "You had friends."

Now:  "You realize how lucky you are to have friends who still walk by your side to this day."

Before:  “I was Jennifer Davis, a wife and a mom.”

Now:  “I am Jennifer Davis, a wife, a mom; I am that Mom who had to cremate her child.”  Hug me, reach out to me, I need you even more now, I can’t promise I am the same person you knew before, but if we walk this together you can help me discover the new me and see all the good I am doing in Avery’s name and you just might even love me more.”

Before:   “February 10^th was just another day.”

Now:  “You realize that’s the day your life changed forever.”

Love, Jennifer

    

My Beautiful Daughter, My Shining Miracle!

Last night was a horrible bout with my stomach issues and I am still recovering from last night and my beautiful daughter made me a homemade gift bag with several notes inside, I just had to share.  Abby's handmade notes touched my heart tremendously, they were so heartfelt, genuine and loving.  I shed tears, but tears of joy, Abby Estelle, you give me so much joy and the reason I have so much happiness in my life.  Thank you Abby you are my shining Miracle!!!!

Abby's Homemade Gift Bag made from scratch some paper, staples and a heart and the best gift ever!!!

So incredibly special, I love you Mom. I'm sorry about your stomach, Love, Abby



And the one that made me cry tears of joy, Mommy you are so special to me, I can't describe how much I love you, well she just did, my rock, Love you Abby Estelle!