July 4th, so I made it through, another year without you.  Every July I dip into a deep depression since you had passed away and I really fought with all my might not to this year and in some ways I did.  I wasn't as sad as I usually get, I was able to get out of bed and function and kept myself pretty busy which helped tremendously, but there are those moments that still bring you to your knees, that you are gone and no matter how much crying I do, you are never coming back.  I miss making a tye dye shirt with you, your sister has such joy in that every year and there are moments that she asks Mommy, why and that just breaks my heart in two.  I can handle my grief I know what to do, but to watch Abby cry out for you or see her in pain is so difficult, because I know there is nothing I can do to fix this and that makes me sad for my Mom, knowing that in her heart to see me in pain.  I invited friends this year for tye dye day, something I haven't done for the last 2 years and that felt good and I hope to continue year after year as I so have traditionally done.  I went to my friend Darlene's house as I have done since you passed but have never made it through to the fireworks, the thought of you in my arms holding your little ears from the loud noises and seeing your little eyes in delight was just too painful, but this year was different.  I had to be strong for Ab's and it wasn't as difficult as I thought.  For years I have shed myself from certain pains and I truly believe, protect your heart when you can, but this year, I knew I was stronger and I had Ab's in my lap and watching her delight was amazing and just before fireworks were to start, there out of the blue there was a sky lantern in the sky and of course it made me think of you, but not with sadness but fondness because I know that was you, saying, "Mom, I am alright!"  Grief is a funny thing, it comes in waves and some days stronger than others and some days the water is calm, this doesn't mean I don't miss you any less...There is not a day that goes by that your not thought of, loved, wanted and missed.  So I am giving myself a pat on the back, yes this year I did it, and some may think really, July 4th, fireworks, what's the big deal, but to a grieving mother it is a big deal.  Every moment, celebration, birthday, anniversary is another moment without you and oh I wish I could mend this broken heart....part of it will be broken forever.  I love you so much, so I hope you are proud of me, your father and your sister for getting through another holiday without you and yes even if it was "just" the 4th of July.


Love, Mommy

Thoughts about Easter....

I have gotten asked alot lately, does it get easier?  I have several thoughts about that and my answer is no, it get's different, but not easier, because when it comes right down to it, if I sit and really, really, focus on you in my arms the pain literally brings me right down to my knees.  However, I try my best to enjoy the life I have here, because I know you are in a wonderful place and where there is nothing but joy, happiness and all the Easter eggs you want, but that's just it....tonight sitting dying Easter eggs with Abby there are moments of extreme joy and moments of sadness. 

I should be watching you and Abby sitting side by side dying Easter eggs together, not dying an egg In Memory of You....
 
I should be setting up your Easter basket tonight with blue Easter grass not setting out a bowl that I made for you, In Memory of....

I should be lying your Easter clothes out next to Ab's for tomorrows festivities....not looking at your picture and wishing you a Happy Easter....

I should be watching you and Ab's coming out from your bedroom doors hand in hand running to the kitchen excited to see what the Easter Bunny has brought you both....

I should be sitting in church with the both of you with each of you by your daddy's and my side, instead of seeing a 2 year old boy right in front of me saying hi, all the while holding back the tears in my eyes...

I should be helping you with the Easter egg hunt at my Aunts and your sister I know would be helping you too....instead I wonder if anyone will mention you tomorrow?....

We should all be snuggling on the sofa tomorrow night ending the day with an Easter movie, instead of letting a Sky Lantern go In Memory of You.....

So to answer all of you who ask, does it get easier? No, does it get different yes....Would I change anything, yes for you to be here with us...but I would never change not having you in my life no matter how short the time, because you have taught me so much....

I feel I am a better wife, mother, friend, writer, and advocate and for that Avery I thank you.
I miss you...
I love you...
Happy Easter Little Man, Happy Easter!

Life....

There are moments I feel so much happiness in my heart, finding myself truly smiling again and enjoying the simple joys in life, my daughter, my husband, spending time with my mom, my dad, my brother and the special friends in my life.  These are extremely happy moments, but part of me still constantly aches for you.  There are days I feel so strong and then someone asks me a question or I have to fill out a form at a doctors office, how many live pregnancies have you had, that I just want to crawl in a hole and cry.  I still think about you everyday and wonder how talkative you would be, how fast you would be running, what you and your sister would be doing?  My dad being in the hospital made everything resurface again, how precious life is, how in a matter of seconds life changes.  We are blessed he is ok, but it did shake me up quite a bit.  It brought me to wonder about my own mortality and this blood clotting disorder I have, I want to live a long, long life.  I want to see and experience everyday of Abby's life because I know where you are, you are taken care of and happy.  Abby I feel this need to protect her everyway that I can, and I know there are moments I won't be able to. I can still remember holding you in my arms, your toes, your hands, your nose, your lip that curled just like Abby's, the thought that my body didn't protect you, the very cord that brought you life, ended your physical life, the thought brings me to my knees, literally. I want to be celebrating St. Patty's Day with you, I want to be a mom juggling 2 living kids, but now I am a mom juggling being the best mom I can be to Abby and juggling being the best mom to you.  Many I am sure wonder why would you think that, he's gone?  Because, he is my son and I want nothing more than for him to be proud of me, for when it's time for me to embrace him again, I want to hear his sweet little voice say, Mommy I am proud of you.

I love you Abby, I love you Faith (and I am trying Faith to start to talk about you) and I love you Avery and miss you so very much.

My Husband's grief....

Dear Jimmy,

Today I am reflecting upon your grief and it pains, me.  I have friends I talk to and I still feel so lonely at times. I can't imagine the pain you carry within.  You were right by my side for every appointment, gave me my shots everyday and watched Avery being born, I told you not to look  until they unwrapped the cord, but you insisted and I know you still continuously have nightmares about that.  I can still remember when people would call the house or stop by asking you how was I? Only a very few asked how you were, and I still remember you asking, "Jen, don't they realize I lost him too?"  Why are men expected to be strong, what does strong exactly mean?  Does that mean men aren't suppose to cry or grieve, why are women given permission?  I don't understand it and never will.  Does being strong mean holding your grief in?  We need to change how other's view the grief of a man and that is a venture I hope and pray you will find in your heart to do?  That you will have the strength one day to speak up and on another note, it kills me inside that your sisters havent' called in 2 years to see how you are doing, it's almost like you been written off.  Don't they want to know what Avery looked like, their nephew or how Abby is doing, they are missing out on so much. She is one beautiful, smart, little girl.  Are they not the least bit curious to see how you are doing?  Jim you are such a loving, caring, sweet and fabulous husband, you are my best friend, you have seen me at my worst and I have seen you at yours and I am proud we have weathered so many storms together and still stand side by side.  Marriages aren't perfect, people aren't perfect, but we have always remained together through thick and thin, when most couples don't survive the loss of a child, and the other ups and downs we have been through,  they tend to go their seperate ways according to statitics.  Jim I am sorry for the pain you carry in your heart as well and if I could take it away, I would, but thank you for traveling this journey with me and not leaving my side. I love you Jimmy Charles Davis Jr. and always will.

Love, Me

My speech I gave at Avery's Butterflies Quarter Auction

I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I would like to share a little bit about what Avery's Butterflies is about. February 10th, 2010 our lives changed forever, I gave birth to a baby boy Avery Michael born still. The hardest thing was not giving birth, but having to let go knowing I would never physically see him again. Before our last embrace I promised him I would make a difference in this world, at the time not knowing how. The 1st year coming home from the hospital, I had all these thoughts and feelings and grief became very isolating. I realized if I felt all these feelings there had to be other Moms and Dads out there who felt the same. So after Avery's 1st birthday I started Avery's Butterflies, we meet monthly for a safe place to grieve, share, cry and laugh. These meetings mean the world to us, for instance I felt "abnormal" that I carried a picture around with me of Avery and at the meeting I had brought it up and every mom there pulled out a picture of their baby as well, it was an "aha" moment, yes this is "normal", my new normal, "our new "normal". We also hosted our first Tree event in October; in memory of infant loss Remembrance Day and I also go around to hospitals and doctors’ office and emphasize the importance of having a place for couples to go after their loss.


Acknowledgement of our babies short lives may be upsetting to you, you may think the less said the better, but we never knew how how important it would be to tell you about our babies, even though our babies died. You can help us through this difficult journey by letting us talk about our sorrow when we feel the need, allowing us to cry when we want and not pretending that everything is ok, when it's not... It will take time, this is a life long journey but with your support we will make it, so those of you who joined our tree event and came tonight, you are acknowledging our babies, and that means the world to us.

So thank you, our hopes are dreams are becoming possible because of your support, by becoming a nonprofit we will be able to help more families, host more events and I hope to hold conferences not only for moms and dads who have lost, but for physicians, family members and friends on how to be there for Moms and Dads who have lost an infant. So sincerely, we are blessed that you are all here tonight. Special thanks to Kelly for coordinating this quarter auction we are extremely thankful to everyone who donated their time, gifts and money to help make our hopes and dreams come true.

Avery's Butterflies and the week to follow....

Avery's Butterflies hosted our first quarter auction, and I was so touched by the response we had.  The room was filled with so many family and friends and people I didn't even know who came out to support us.  I was truly touched.  I never in my wildest dreams would have expected there not be a seat available.  I am so thankful for so many people, Kelly for organizing everything, my friend Darlene for hosting the bake sale and baking all the goodies, and for my Mom, Stacy, Kelly and Renee for pitching in with the baked items.  Also, everyone who donated to the charity table,my friends, family, I could go on and on... I am just so thankful and this is hard for me, but I am honestly proud of myself for getting up and speaking  into a microphone to over hundred people about Avery's Butterflies and our hopes and dreams for the future, there were tears in the room and for the Moms whom came up to me afterwards and thanked me for having the strength to speak about still birth.  Last week was a whirlwind with so much planning, activities with Abby and so on an so forth....which leads me into the week ahead....

Dear Avery,

Is it OK to say, I am honestly scared of next week, because tonight it is creeping in, I had my first meltdown, realizing in 7 days you would be 2.  I often wonder what you would be into, Thomas The Train? Mickey Mouse? Bob The Builder?  Would you be shy, vivacious, spunky, a momma's boy?  Would your hair still be a light blonde or would it have gotten darker.  I wonder if friends and family think I should be moved on by now and I realize you don't "move on", you "move through" the best way you know how.  I wonder what it would be like to hear my son call my name and how you and Abby would be interacting, she longs for you so much to the extent when she sees a brother and sister, she has asked, "Mommy, why can't that be me?"  I can't tell you what that does to my heart.

I could easily fight the grief and keep it stuffed in, but I know for me it's better to let it out, know matter how much the pain hurts,  I have to, it's still the pain that brings me literally to my knees, it's a physical ache inside my heart. 

Avery, I hope and pray you are proud of me....I am trying my best to be a good wife, mom, daughter, christian, advocate and friend, but this week is going to be extremely hard, so please help me through.

I love you so much, we all do, and you are so missed.  I just want you here with me....in my arms....

Love, Mommy

What not to say to a grieving Mom with love....

Happiness and Sadness can co-exist.
by: dusty999